I am hitting 27 years old in 2024. 

Age is just a number, sure. But, it does make me think about a lot of things as well. Like, how it has been almost two years since I left my previous company, three years since I left school, three years and counting since I have the ambition to continue my postgraduate studies, two years since I said I would finally take my driving license but still did not, almost nine years since I left and live far from home.

It has been over one year since I was crush-free, one year of calm and peaceful life, four months since I changed my lifestyle and habits, two months since I seriously exercise (welp, mostly running!), six months free from the occasional mental breakdown and no-sense crying...

Welp.

I still had that out-of-nowhere anxiety once in a blue moon, but overall—I definitely feel a lot better this year.

Regardless, I have come to learn that growing up is a process, a continuous process that goes not only when we are still a child or a rebellious adolescent. It keeps going and we keep on learning from it. The learning path would not be the same as well. I might learn that one of the ways to stay afloat is by letting go of myself instead of responding to every suffocating trigger. You might learn it the other way around. Perhaps, every response helps trigger your fight-or-flight mode, kicking in the adrenaline needed for you to push through.

We could not always fit in comfortably in others' shoes—and that is a fact.

Being in our twenties, for me, is very much confusing. When I was in my early twenties, I thought I would be free from all these 'crippling' emotions and things once I jumped into the real adult life aka working life--but nothing in those years have prepared me for this. Over the time, we just learn how to stay afloat amidst of all things, while at the same time try to make bubble and have fun with life.

ANYthing that keep us afloat and contented.

Cheers for 2023! :)

I have been living my life... quite quietly. Only update what I feel necessary to some people I consider close with - while acknowledging the fact that my feelings can be overwhelming to them. There are times when I feel like packing my stuff, deleting my social media accounts, and just deleting any trace of me in this world. 

But of course, I did not.

This woman is too broke to pull that kind of trick sadly.

Yeah.

My job is my coping mechanism.

Alhamdulillah, regardless of whatever happened - Allah still bestows me with a job. I am still trying to do my job properly, but there are times when I am on the verge of breaking up because of insecurity due to my incompetency to complete some tasks. I think, my job is the thing that keeps me sane and insane at the same time. I should clock off by 5.30pm, but sometimes I chose to stay a bit longer and finished whatever I need to do. 

It never finished anyway. 

There are times I feel like coming to the office at 7 am since my place is 10 minutes walking away only, but I decided that would be too much. I should clock in at 8.30 am lol

I can't be emotionally available to everyone, no longer.

I used to be that person who has no problem listening to my friends' ranting whenever they need one. Just give me a call, or shoot me with text right away. But, over time - I realized that in doing so, I am putting my own feelings as the second priority and it is draining my energy. It's painful for me. Suffocating and choking at one point. Or many times this year alone. 

I have always been that kind of person. I don't express myself well though I may seem vocal most of the time. But, the truth is I just took a long period of time to process feelings and discern what I currently have in my mind as well. I talk about a lot of things - crushes, works, books, and things in general. 

But I don't talk about being scolded at work, my mom almost got a stroke last July and I still think about it even today, having no money to survive till the end of the month, I got referred back to Orthopaedics this month due to the same injury that never left me since four years ago, feelings like options to some friends, feeling incompetent.

I guess... adulting changes me.

Feeling sorry for feelings things

For liking a person a little bit too much... but yeah, the first time always hit a little bit harder. 

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May Allah ease everything.

I still wanna properly live this life.

"Tapi kan Fatin, kalau kau continously buat macam ni. Asyik nak lari je. Bila masanya kau nak bagi peluang untuk diri sendiri rasa benda yang kau sepatutnya rasa? Let say if kau let go this time, kau give up this time sebab kau tak nak rasa semua ni-- in the future kau kena lalu jugak weih. Sampai bila kau nak tangguh just because kau tak sedia?" - N.

Sometimes, life settled in when you let go  | ... and let God. I was at the lowest point of my life a few times this year. Most of the time, it is because I tried to exert dominance over how it should have gone rather than letting the supreme power handles them. You know, sometimes we forget. Even as we remembered, it is not easy to translate them into action.

Take everything good you can learn from a person, no matter how bad they are | When it comes to the moral compass, each person evaluate another person differently. My moral compass and your moral compass might be different. The thin line between those two, perhaps only representing the common sense we always share. 

In 2021, I have learnt that there is always something I can take a credit from and adapt them in my life. It could be their fiery passion, attention to details, or even how they treat their day-to-day life. 

Shift your position once in a while even though you are looking at the same thing | Looking at things from different angle let us understand the depth of that particular thing. Sometimes, we would feel that some things are unnecessary, however, if you look at them again - it will help you understand more.

Be good to people even if they throw shit at you | Honestly, I just do not want to waste my time entertaining shit :) And the only thing I would usually do is just - ignore them. Aku ni terlalu banyak dosa untuk tambah dosa by being bad to people. Lol.

One thing I keep in mind: I can handle dissapointment, but regret is not something I want to deal with. So, be good even if it is only to make yourself feel good.

You can be horrible at things you love | I do not know who creates the rule that you have to excel at things that you love. I can still get a C+ for a subject that I love, and A+ at subject that I hate. And the feeling will remain that way.

You do not have to feel bad either way. But always--always strive for the best.

In 2021, I discover that corporate writing might not be for me, though I love writing. It takes time to learn, and I still finding difficulties to work around it. But now that I left for good, I might take a class or something to properly learn about them.

Now, now, do I have a commitment issue then? Lol.

Life is better with friends | I do not how to keep ties with people. But luckily, I met a number of people that willing to go extra miles contacting me once in awhile asking me how my first day at work, how am I in general, reminding me that I should not stress too much and take care of my back. You know, stuff.

My closest friends know how bad I am when it comes to contacting them. I usually will just update my Instagram/WhatsApp stories to let them know I am still alive and going through life lol. Bet they did not know that :') I find contacting and updating them one by one can be awkward. Why would you update your life to people personally? I know. 

It has always been something kicking in my mind - how am I supposed to do this? Coz whenever I unconsciously told them about what I have been doing for awhile, my friends would be - "Eh sampai hati takbagitahu?" / "Eh bila masa kau XX?". Finding the line between wanting to let them know, and not oversharing is just difficult for me =.=' At last, I just do whatever I feel like. Penat nak read too much into the picture.

You do you | Be good at things you want. Reject shit if you feel like not entertaining them. Do whatever that (you think) will help boosting your morale. Be damn good so that no one have the audacity to questions your work but consider criticism given by others.

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Anyway, 2021 is a lot for me to take. But I am grateful for everything that comes and goes. I hope I will have the chance to embrace myself better in 2022 and achieve more. 

May Allah ease everything for us.

Photo by Tomáš Malík on Unsplash

I find it weird. The fact that as I am getting older, many things scared me out compared to when I was still a child. Does the idea of being responsible somehow repressed my courage from doing whatever I want in this world? I do wonder, and will always will, I figured. 

There are times when I wake up in the morning; right after I open my eyes - I would think about what am I going to do with my life? This constant questioning often then being brush-off or repress due to the number of works I have to deal with from day to day.

Is this something that a normal adult would feel every single day?

I hate having to deal with the repercussion of something that could happen in the future. Heck, it did not even happen yet, but the continuous doubts and overthinking kills my desire to do something beyond whatever I had.

... was the thought I had been keeping since last year. I wrote the above part last month, but could not able to finish the write-ups. Alhamdulillah though, I have been in a much calmer state since last week and I no longer feel as if my world had become meaningless (no goals in life). The past 3 months had been so hard for me, last month especially because I was at the peak of my devastation.

It burst obviously. I had enough to one point. I got sick too. But, luckily I managed to pop the bubble and step into the world, again. 

Now, I know for sure there are little things I want to achieve next year. I am very much looking forward to it. In order for me to achieve those things, I need to work hard starting from this year. 

I no longer feel that lonely too, now that I occupied myself with webinars, podcasts, books and academic stuff that I left back in March. I picked up writing again. The main reason I left this blog for a long time, not because I am so busy with work-stuff - but because I lost the confidence to write. I have come to the point where I hate writing. I do not want to write. 

I just don't write anymore. 

I know, there is one entry in this blog where I mentioned that even if I'm no longer here - it's not because I hate writing :') Welp, it just happened. I hateD writing and the only writing I did during that threshold was texting my friends and pretty much only work-related stuff. I do not even update my social media that much tsk tsk.

But as I picked up myself again, here I am. It started with a simple LinkedIn posting I made as a response to a TedTalk video that randomly appeared on my LinkedIn's homepage. A strong urge to get Hiduplah Untuk Hari Ini by Muhammad Al Ghazali and Don’t Worry, Allah Lebih Tahu Yang Terbaik by Miftahul Asror Malik further push myself to get back to writing.

Things will get into their place again :)

May Allah ease our journey. 

Wallpaper installation service

New kitchen cabinets or repair old kitchen cabinet faulty parts

Ceiling fan repair service

Joven water heater repair

New window installation

#1 Viu

Verdict: 

• You can either use it as a premium user or not.
• It can be used for 5 devices, and the history/watchlist would only remain in that device - not shared. As for me, I shared a premium account with my friend. So, RM48/2 = RM24 for 6 months lol. (Please sign up with an email address instead if you choose to share to avoid complicates matters lol #BeenThere)
• Latest drama and weekly updates for variety shows. They have expanding contents not only from Korea and Japan, but also from SEA countries and they are pretty good.
• Available on web and mobile (application).

Series Recommendation:

1. The Bridge (Season 1 & Season 2) - If you are into crime, this Malaysia-Singapore-Indonesia series is da bomb, I am mindblown with this one.
2. True Beauty - I am so grateful for this!
3. Penthouse - This is pretty popular right now, might as well catch the train!

#2 iQiyi

I use iQiyi to follow Chinese/Taiwanese drama actually hehe. But most of its contents now are Korean drama. They are pretty good in the sense of how they seem to secure on-going airing drama faster compared to Viu lol. For instance, we have She Would Never Know (Senior, Don't Put On That Lipstick), How To Be Thirty and L.U.C.A. Prior to this, we have 18 Again and Live On.

Verdicts:

• Even without VIP, the app is comfortable to be used (no repetitive ads popping lol).
• Available on web and mobile (application) - I have to address how smooth the navigation on the app lol.
• I did try the VIP once, and the experience makes me crave for it lol. Definitely better display (VIP offers up to 1080p while non-VIP until 720p) and definitely better sound system.
• Advance viewing for VIP users, lol kalau bukan, tunggu jelah wkwkwkw. For me, personally, I do not have trouble with this since I have a lot of on-going drama lol.

Series Recommendation:

1. She Would Never Know - Rowoon for life lol!
2. 18 Again - GEM! Everyone should watch this and let us cry together.
3. Youth With You Season 3 - This is a reality show for China's budding artists looking forward to debut similar to PD101. BLACKPINK's Lisa, anyone?

#3 WeTV

Similar to iQiyi, I use this to catch up with Chinese/Taiwanese drama. They do have quite a selection when it comes to those two dramas compared to Korean drama. WeTV is quite nice as they brought in a number of series that would only available on their platform.

Verdicts:

• I am using this platform as non-VIP too, and it is comfortable to be used without purchasing the VIP pass lol.
• Available on the web and mobile (application) too!
• Wider range for Chinese/Taiwanese dramas compared to the other two!

Series Recommendations:

1. Le Coup de Foudre - PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE WATCH THIS! I cried a bucket because of this drama and it is a drama I always watch over and over again. It is based on the writer's true story.
2. Unrequited Love (2021) - I am a huge lover of Unrequited Love (2019) so I am waiting for the remake lol. 2019 captures the feeling of unrequited love better, but the 2021 version closed the loop in a good way too :')
3. My Lecturer My Husband - lol Reza Rahadian XD
4. Put Your Head On My Shoulder - SUPER CUTE AND IDK JUST CUTE!

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I only used VIU as a premium user, the other two I decided I can handle them without subscribing to VIP pass lol. I use VIU mainly for watching variety shows, while iQiyi and WeTV for dramas unless VIU brings certain on-going drama like Mr Queen and True Beauty last month XD

Have you tried any of these platforms?