063: riding on the fast lane


Assalammualaikum.

Everything moves quickly nowadays. It’s like once you register yourself up into the adulthood period, things move faster than it initially was. Pre-twenty is like jazz you can dance and swing around – once you enter the transition wow au revoir life, I’m gonna speed likes there is no end.
Clearly a hyperbole, guys.

[side note: I’m getting anxious – cannot stop tapping my leg, probably due to coffee]

I have not updated this safe-haven for almost a month. Earlier this year (yep, way earlier than March), I promised to myself that I am going to write an entry at least once per fortnight – I failed apparently. Around this period of my absentees from the blogging world, marked by un-updated entry, a lot of things happened that I wish I could blog all of them, but I would not.

I could not, to be precise. #CueGoodbyeRoad (because I feel like to)

Hitting 22 approximately two weeks ago left me in another pool of existential realms. Within these two weeks, there are too many ‘surprise’ that I received – starting with having to meet orthopedics specialist due to my recurrent leg pains (+ It all started with injuries during my silat practice almost a year ago), getting slapped with the idea that maybe the person I have been meeting for almost half of my life is not the same person they might be behind me – cause everyone has their own skeleton in the closet. 

More than anything, I actually half-blaming myself for not being trustworthy enough for them to rely on me. It was a weird compilation of feelings, grouped together only to produce a very gloomy fa├žade to my soul. Thank goodness the pain in the leg, as well as fever that followed few days later (yeah, second trips to the clinic), helped me to literally get a rest from everything. I think I really need a rest after all – I even declared my own mc too because I don’t feel like wasting my time going to class that I can barely focus. 

I get over it – and am try seeking for a better version of me. 

That’s how it is supposed to be. Plus, we need to accept that there are things that are beyond our control because Allah is the Almighty. He is the one who controls everything in the sky and the earth.
Our job? 

Keep working.

Uh, one more thing – aside from forcing myself to update my blog at least once per two weeks, I want to challenge myself out from my comfort zone. I hate troubling myself with problems that I know I can just bail myself out. I applied for two things this semester – both requires me attending interviewing session (screams: I get anxious over the idea of getting me emotionally stripped) For god sake, I keep thinking that I should just draw myself out from both of them because I’m just so scared.

But I did not.

Hereby, I declare one of my legs is already on the train that for sure in the fast lane. 

I pray that Allah will ease everything for us – me and the readers.

        

"No need to hurry. No need to sparkle. No need to be anybody but oneself."

— Virginia Woolf, A Room of One’s Own

062: 2+0+1+8 Reasons I Have Found to Fight Better in 2019

Assalammualaikum fellas.

When most of the bloggers posted their ‘2019 Resolutions’ or ‘Things They Have Learnt in 2018’- I’m here, weeping like a crow. I tried, writing some tsk, but it ends up as something that is not suitable for sharing purposes due to the emotional cries and a bucket full of lies I tried to find comfort with; used and wasted in 2018. On the contrary, I would be sharing all those accelerants and triggers behind all those deceptive tools I have come out to fix my soul, but some are hard to be put into practice.

1. Life is not a race.
… as you all know. 

I cannot help but agree with the fact how we are unconsciously treating life as a race when it comes to unlocking achievements. If you haven’t watch Sembang Urat Putus (SUP!) produced by Thinkers Studio, then you should. I especially love this episode where Shazwan and Jass spoke about it.



2. You might underestimate yourself when you think you might overestimate yourself.
Life lesson. After all our self is the wall forbidding us to have fun. 

3. Sometimes, it is better to stay quiet.
At one point, I develop this habit of not wanting to get into an unnecessary and useless fight(s) because I’m just so lazy to speak to people who cannot accept criticisms or opinions. The only time I voiced out my concerns and criticisms, that means your action has been too unbearably sickening, or I just care for you a lot <3 

4. Imperfection does not equal to incompetence.
I talk about this briefly in one of my previous entries. I found out that, imperfections are one of the things that make human special compared to others. Most importantly, it should not be the yardstick for us to measure the abilities of a person. This didn’t sound right but it is the closest to the meaning I intended it to be.

5. Life is an ongoing process of learning (and crying)
I cried a lot in the second half of the year due to the unbearable workforce. I had never been more impressed with the fact that I can (finally) cry that much. I think it is important for us to have the right way to release the stress to avoid burn out regardless of how bad you are working for something.

6. Work. Really. Hard.
This semester I received the chance to be in class and even work with few of the star student in the English Department. My incompetence and low-intellectual-scale had always been the big wall for me to speak up in class. I am the one who feels that way, most probably because I compared myself a lot to other people which unconsciously resulted in low-self-esteem. 

Ada masa kita hanya perlu pejam mata dan persetankan timbal balik yang sekadar kemungkinan kita akan terima. 

7. The relationship between reading and writing is directly proportional.
I have learnt that whatever you read would be reflected through your writing. That’s why when I do not spend more time reading last year – it makes me anxious. Like super anxious, I kid you not. I won’t argue on this because there are people who still doing perfectly fine without reading lol. But, I am definitely not in the list.

8. Take a closer look to uhm everything?
One of the things that I learnt from attentively observing the bright students in my class is – they work extra hard and they do reading beforehand. Of course, they would be much more ahead.

By the way, have you ever tried re-reading the books you used to love?

9. Think multiple times before you decide to be selfish.

Just because I stated it this way, it does not mean I am suggesting the opposite side either. 

10. The railway route is not always straight. (and not always super-fast)
There is no route in this, regardless of what vehicles, would only have straight path. Ironically, despite the expectations and knowledge, we still never fail to be shocked by the unexpected events. My Pace by Stray Kids helps in explaining this. 

11. You will come to love things you used to think as unacceptable.
... living in level 5 (without elevator) is bearable, for instance. 

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As much as I want to say how ‘yeay-I-learnt-a-lot-in-2018-despite-all-those-spiral-stairs-and-rock-climbing-state-of-getting-nowhere’ situations, I just cannot at first. I simply reluctant to appreciate all those things that happened in 2018 as something that I shall learn and not weep at all just because its happened. Just because every single person in the world is doing so, is taught to do so – Am I expected to oblige to the principles too? (Wow, I’m shook at how irony I sound tsk)

Yes, despite the above statement I would have to admit, still – I ought to learn new rules rebuild from all those bad things that happened in the previous year. In other words, I shall learn my lessons. Things happened for me to learn and move forward. 

Take as much time you needed to weep, but promise me - don't stop moving, even if it's mean a step backwards. 

A step backwards will help you aim better what?
Heh.