a letter; perhaps to myself (or not)

By faten.banana - August 09, 2022


Alhamdulillah, tsumma alhamdulillah 'ala kulli haal. 

It has been a while; pouring whatever confusion and thought lingering around my mind in a public space like this. 

I have been good, I guess? Inn Shaa Allah. There are a lot of things going around for the past few months-- a lot of things that I could have pen-ed down here like I would usually do.

But I did not.

Life has been confusing at a certain stage this year, which I cannot deny had caused me to bawl my eyes sometimes. Being 25, perhaps there are a few occasions and stories I never thought I would have to deal with this soon, just come and stop by. Saying hello, leaving traces of lessons. Looking at the way I react and respond to it at the end of the day, I know it happened for a reason. I just need some (grace) period to digest everything and let myself have a taste of those feelings. Allowing my body and skin in touch with them.

I have never been a fan of ongoing issues. 

I hate drowning myself in an occasion for so long. 
I hate dwelling. 
I hate waiting. 
I hate uncertainties. 

Of things that happened recently, make me realise that there are events where I need to give myself (or others) some grace period for them to fall into their (rightful) place. Learning how to do that caused so much anxiety within me. Most of the time, I feel like running away. Running away from uncertainties; and letting myself fall into the embrace of not having to think about any possible outcomes which can be drawn from it. 

"Tapi kan Fatin, kalau kau continously buat macam ni. Asyik nak lari je. Bila masanya kau nak bagi peluang untuk diri sendiri rasa benda yang kau sepatutnya rasa? Let say if kau let go this time, kau give up this time sebab kau tak nak rasa semua ni-- in the future kau kena lalu jugak weih. Sampai bila kau nak tangguh just because kau tak sedia?" - N.

Kelu lidah.

Taktahu nak cakap apa bila those words masuk dalam telinga, terus tembus menusuk caused 99% of its are the truth, 1% of its is just me in denial and being defensive.

Banyak perkara perlukan masa.
"Slow-slow Paten." - Z


Selagi mana saya mencuba, things should be fine kan?*

Semoga Allah permudahkan urusan-urusan kita.

*Kita akan baik-baik saja, dengan izin Allah.

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  1. Kita akan baik-baik sahaja. In Shaa Allah. Beautiful. Hope things go smoothly at times you need it the most <3