083: cheers to everything I have swept under the rug

By faten.banana - October 24, 2022


I have been living my life... quite quietly. Only update what I feel necessary to some people I consider close with - while acknowledging the fact that my feelings can be overwhelming to them. There are times when I feel like packing my stuff, deleting my social media accounts, and just deleting any trace of me in this world. 

But of course, I did not.

This woman is too broke to pull that kind of trick sadly.

Yeah.


My job is my coping mechanism.

Alhamdulillah, regardless of whatever happened - Allah still bestows me with a job. I am still trying to do my job properly, but there are times when I am on the verge of breaking up because of insecurity due to my incompetency to complete some tasks. I think, my job is the thing that keeps me sane and insane at the same time. I should clock off by 5.30pm, but sometimes I chose to stay a bit longer and finished whatever I need to do. 

It never finished anyway. 

There are times I feel like coming to the office at 7 am since my place is 10 minutes walking away only, but I decided that would be too much. I should clock in at 8.30 am lol


I can't be emotionally available to everyone, no longer.

I used to be that person who has no problem listening to my friends' ranting whenever they need one. Just give me a call, or shoot me with text right away. But, over time - I realized that in doing so, I am putting my own feelings as the second priority and it is draining my energy. It's painful for me. Suffocating and choking at one point. Or many times this year alone. 

I have always been that kind of person. I don't express myself well though I may seem vocal most of the time. But, the truth is I just took a long period of time to process feelings and discern what I currently have in my mind as well. I talk about a lot of things - crushes, works, books, and things in general. 

But I don't talk about being scolded at work, my mom almost got a stroke last July and I still think about it even today, having no money to survive till the end of the month, I got referred back to Orthopaedics this month due to the same injury that never left me since four years ago, feelings like options to some friends, feeling incompetent.

I guess... adulting changes me.


Feeling sorry for feelings things

For liking a person a little bit too much... but yeah, the first time always hit a little bit harder. 


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May Allah ease everything.

I still wanna properly live this life.


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