When I was 17, a friend in PLKN asked me during this one casual conversation:

"What do you want the most in life? 

What is your end goal in life?"

I was taken aback for a moment. I know what I wanted to do. My 17 years old self was pretty sure that she's going to take medicine and end up as a psychiatrist. It was her dream ever since 13 years old. I mean, we all mostly had that one thing we always want to pursue in life. I think I was pretty ambitious back then - I wonder where is she now? 

Lol.

Anyway, it took me quite some time to finally said:

"Eternal happiness. I want eternal happiness."

I was influenced by HLOVATE's books during my late teens actually. Contengan Jalanan mentioned wanting an 'Eternal happiness' and I was like - I want that too. Yet, I was clueless about what and how 'eternal happiness' should look like.  At that time, (again) I pretty sure 'eternal happiness' is attained through 'amr makruf nahi mungkar (enjoining good, forbidding bad).

That is one way, for sure. Because acknowledging that the guideline provided by Almighty Allah SWT is the best way to conduct our life would lead us towards him.

Still, knowing the way and realizing the real meaning of 'eternal' and 'happiness' itself seems like a blurry idea for me. Talking about how easy it was to mention something without actually knowing what meaning does it carries. The weight of a word that is common to our ear yet remained ambiguous in meaning.

Every human is an anomaly to any other human if that makes sense. We had our own story. Our own struggles. We struggle to the point we see the world as gray and bleak. Hence, the reason we are human - not an angel. Our constant struggle does not mean that we don't deserve happiness, no?

I still wonder, though. 

The wave of emotions I had whenever I am able to do something that I love - be it translating, reading, learning, and finding something I can grow my passion on them - that is happiness for me. I am enjoying every bit of happiness I can squeeze from this world. To deconstruct the phrase 'eternal happiness', perhaps it is not even something that can even be achieved in this world. Don't you think so?

Eternal had this 'everlasting' connotation. Something that is continuously happening, isn't it? Is it fair to hope for something that is everlasting when the world itself not?

There is happiness in this world. The pauses, either short or long, should not be treated as if we would never find a way out. It's tiring, I know. But, turbulences are sweet catastrophes designed to make us stronger. No matter how many times we refused to accept it, but there is truth in that. 

We can still work on that 'eternal' part in this world, hoping it will bring us to a good place :) 

I will always pray that each of us will be granted not only every bit of happiness but also 'eternal happiness'.