I was reading my old stories - the few ones I uploaded in Wattpad back in 2018. Back when I was in my study years. I was quite mesmerized with the way I expressed my emotions through word back then. How can I describe something so painful (used to be) in a very hopeful/optimistic ways?

I like that version of myself.

Writing has always been therapeutic for me--especially back then. Nowadays, it is hard for me to express myself--even through written words. I suspect because I don't read that much compared to before. Hence, the reason finding the right word to express my thought and feelings seems to be extra difficult. Too bad, I guess.

Just like how Lara Jeans (from To All The Boys I've Loved Before) used to write a letter, put it into an envelope with their address but never really post them out whenever she had too much emotion/feeling towards the person she has a crush on at that moment—the stories uploaded in my Wattpad were actually farewell stories. 

Whenever I decided to end my crush over someone slash when I have to much overwhelming emotions, I write stories. I write a drabble, and then I moved on.

It used to be that easy.

A few days ago, I have a conversation with a friend of mine from university. We were talking about the recent PBAKL or KLIBF 2023, where she suddenly talk about my writings... gulp. It's weird thinking how my rants of emotions back then stay inside people's mind for quite such a long time. It is also one of the main reason why I stop writing stories. The gravity of responsibility that I had to bear make me question myself. 

And as you may assume, I am not very comfortable with things beyond my control.

But I did write about my life at my CF IG stories. It is much more easier than sitting in front of my laptop and writing them because I would always end up deleting everything even before I finished a paragraph.

That aside - I always need to be on the road or just... tired (which is like almost every minutes). Ergo, you can't really see me around. I miss blogging world so much. But, I guess just like me -- everyone has their own priorities to cater to. 

No one told me adulting would be this tiring tsk tsk. Romanticising my life once in a while helps me a lot though. Something simple, like having ice-cream as I walk back home after work or squeezing gallery/bookstore visits even without buying anything lol. 

At least, there is something in life that would spark joy and shoot fireworks to our sky.