That's it. That's the post for this week :') 

I just need to write this off my mind lol.

Aku sebenarnya tak tahu macam mana pandangan orang dengan hasil tulisan aku, lebih-lebih lagi 'jerangkung-jerangkung' dan 'muntahan' perasaan yang aku letak dalam Wattpad. Dekat blog, aku lebih rasional (sikit hahaha) - tapi bila dekat Wattpad, aku lebih selesa nak cerita pasal emosi dan benda-benda sekeliling aku yang berlaku atau terlintas dalam kepala. Daripada aku asingkan jadi cerita-cerita pendek, aku kumpulkan semua dalam satu folder 'Jurnal Kosong: Himpunan Cerita' yang aku update ikut mood aku. 

Dan mood aku selalunya datang setahun sekali.

Lol.

Akan adalah update kalau emosi aku waktu tu terasa berat. Kadang-kadang benda happy, kadang-kadang macam reflection yang aku tujukan pada seseorang tapi aku taknak tulis benda tu direct and straight forward. Selalunya bila aku nak move on dari sesuatu... atau seseorang. Be it friends, crush(es) lol or even people that I get entangled with. Somehow. 

Dan kenapa aku disini? Heh. Aku nak reminisce dan reflect balik apa yang aku tulis dalam Jurnal Kosong, in a way providing the author's point-of-view. I would love to know apa orang lain sebagai pembaca (kalau ada haha) rasa? Setakat aku menulis pada hari ini (14 April 2020) aku ada 10 cerita dalam ni tapi aku nakcakap pasal beberapa je. So here, the gist and I guess sedikit back up story? Kot.

001: Chance

"We are who we are because of our past, and we are where we are because of it." 

This is basically the gist. Takramai orang tahu, sebab aku jenis yang nampak okay je kat mana-mana. But I have serious problem when it comes to my past. Bukan setakat jerangkung sendiri, jerangkung orang pun ada aku simpan sekali sebab at the end of the day, benda tu akan berkait jugak dengan aku. I still have fear over the past. Yang tahu, tahu aku ambil masa lama untuk come into terms dengan this situation. Separuh dalam cerita ni, benda yang memang jadi tsk. I have scars, but its okay.

002: 18

"Metaphore dia macam oreo cheesecake. Memang sedap, tapi rasa tu akan berganti dengan muak kalau selalu makan. There's nothing special bout it anymore. Bila muak - you would stop kan? Takkiralah its your favourite pun. Maka, apa akan jadi lepas tu."

My friend, Zaa sangat suka this one. Aku sebenarnya tak ingat aku tulis pasal siapa, for sure bukan diri aku sendiri. This one memang 100% fictional lol. Ni lebih kepada reflection pasal sesuatu.Aku rasa aku tulis as a reminder pada diri aku sendiri jugak yang taksemua benda aku explore, jatuh dan suka waktu umur aku masih muda akan retain sama. Kadang-kadang, ada benda kena dibiarkan masak dan matang.

003: Hues of Promise

"Kalau kau buat semua ni semata-mata disebabkan aku pernah selamatkan kau. And if this is the way for you to pay me. I truly appreciate it. All your hardworks, sincerely."

Yang ni special, sebab aku sebenarnya sambung drabble yang Zaa takhabis. Kitorang tukar satu drabble yang takhabis sesama sendiri dan kembangkan jadi one whole cerita. Aku rasa ni lebih kepada one-shot story, tapi lepas tu aku sebenarnya ada niat naksambung tapi sebab aku ada banyak sangat idea - aku taktahu mana satu would work the best?

006: Tiga Kata (Prolog)

"Taksemua perlu ada betul dan salah secara jelas."

Sesungguhnya, aku ada niat naksambung. Tapi tulah, cuma niat. Aku personally suka the gist of this. Ada benda betul yang jadi, dan ada benda aku tangkap dan letak dalam tu. Persoalannya, yang mana satu? Haha. Cara penulisan aku waktu ni lebih bersifat deskriptif daripada guna dialog - which could be a bit dry.

007: Differences

Photo by Hello I'm Nik 🎞 on Unsplash

Panjang kan? Hahaha. Dahlah aku dahlama tak menulis dalam bahasa :')

Heh.

Assalammualaikum.

It's the third week of 2020, and I finally got the time to properly sit and write about 2019. Talking about the past used to be my forte. Not anymore I guess. How would you describe your 2019? If I were to answer, I would use colours, a bunch of colours to describe all those emotions I got to experience along the year of 2019.

I was blue when I no longer feel the fluttering butterfly I used to when it comes to knowledge acquisition.

I was red when I had to diminish all the chances I was given to, yet I chose to close my eyes out of fear.

But then again, as I was thinking and trying to describe my feeling with colours - all I can ever think of is that bright warm yellow-orange-ish colour radiated by people around me. Of course, 2019 is full of surprises - some are really bad yet there are a number of things that makes me happy regardless of the conditions. 

About people

For an introverted-soul like me, people could scare me sometimes. There is a moment where I get overly conscious about people around me - hence, it affects the way I would treat them. Most of the times, an action that I never intended too and regretted a lot when I finally got the time to be alone, contemplate about that misery. 

2019 is the year where I look upon chances to break out from that shell. I figured I need to throw myself in the society in order to break myself from that old shell. I had to do something. And I did something. I applied for Corporate Communications and Public Relations Bureau under IIUM Students' Representative Council - it was accidental but I took the chance regardless. In addition, I was offered to be a part of my kulliyah-based society - the Islamic Revealed Knowledge and Human Sciences Students' Society and those people I met is such a gem. There among the beautiful souls that make me enjoy being in social functions, events and simply, being around them.  They are the one who pushes me a lot when I get into this 'I don't think I can do this, I wanna drop out'.

I learnt a lot from them. 

At one point, it does get hard and I feel like dropping out. 

I did not.

I survived.

You did well, Fatin.

I look forward to your growth.

About friends

It is weird how I think that I finally get to know my circle of friends more in 2019 as compared to other years. There are people whom I have been with 5 years, 8 years and even 10 years long - I do not know if I am the only one who feels this, but I finally see every piece that make them special, make our relationship special than the other relationship I ever had with people.

I am glad.

One thing I realized I unconsciously did is that - I would express whatever feeling that I had at that moment towards them.

"I am proud of you."

"I kinda like the fact that whenever we spent the time together, I would get this urge to do my best in my studies too."

"You are not that fragile, I know you can handle this."

"Kita ni asyik cakap pasal lelaki je." lol that one was a joke but - hehehehehehe.

To more cendol dates, roti canai dates, Pasar Malam dates and adventures beyond!

About studies 

I was struggling with my own learned helplessness attitude in the first half of 2019. By the second half, I am pretty much proud of where I finally land. I came into the same conclusion that I stumbled upon later in a k-show, that in studies, we have to decide either to study hard or not (quoted from Lee Seung Hwan @ Brainiacs Wanted Episode 3). I would love to talk more about this later after I wrapped them up in my Campus Rambles Series as I literally finished with my Semester 6. Lol. 

There are a number of things I managed to challenged and accomplished in 2019. I choose to highlight these few because I really wanna read this again later in another few years to see how much I have changed since 2019.

Have a blessful 2020!

I used to do sport when I was in school. I played netball, 100 meters sprints, long jump and high jump (for a while) as I was bestowed with long limbs lol. I stopped completely when I was in Form 3 due to well let just say, physical constraints. In my foundation years, I started practising Silat Cekak Malaysia – until last year but I managed to graduate with a passing grade from Ujian Sijil Rendah even without Kepujian (It is freaking hard to obtain and would remain as one of my biggest regrets lol). 

However, since last year also, I started to get involved in many sports competitions and events. Not as participants, but as a crew. The main reason for me to participate as a crew is that – I was bored. Lol. Other than that, Sports Volunteering is usually a one-off-commitment. In other words, I just have to work on the day of the event. No prior commitment. I hate peningkan kepala doing paper works, meetings the higher-ups and attaching myself to certain organizations/association.

I have decided that these two words, 'stupidity' and 'ignorance,' should not be used interchangeably. I used to believe that these words hold the same weight, the same definition - regardless of anything, it just going to bring the same meaning when used in a sentence. 

Hell yeah, hell no.

The reason is that - after some serious contemplation, banging inside my brain, I came into the realization that these two are indeed contrasting in nature. Even though they have the same basis when it comes to meaning - it represents the action of not knowing something or lack of knowledge regarding something, it actually goes back to the presence of action in between that. (?) Loljoke. 

No. I am partially joking.

I used to think that 'Ignorance' is just a grand-ier word to explain stupidity. It just a word that romanticises the idea of lacking knowledge about particular things, coated in fancy gold for people to use in their everyday life. A word that synonymous in meaning - it just may not seem harsher than when people decided to use 'stupid'. To call people as 'stupid' is taboo, using the word 'ignorant' is not. Sometimes, you need a new way to call people stupid; 'Ignorant' is an option due to the degree of harshness as compared to the earlier is lower. A form of euphemism we called it in language.

People are treating words as if it is not that big deal. After all, it just a word. With the abundances of incidents that happened currently, I think there is a need to draw a fine yet a bold line in using these two words.

Remember, I told you about how it depends on their prior and post actions?

These two words refer to the act of not knowing. Yes, but I found that 'Ignorance' is the trait where a person plainly does not have any knowledge about any particular thing in the discussion. They have never been exposed to the incidents, the facts, the issue, the knowledge. There is no presence of prior knowledge before. You are just indeed a blank sheet. That is ignorance.

'Stupid' on the other hand, is when you do have prior knowledge regarding the issue - a problem that may arise is how you take that information and process it in your mind, which later will produce a stand that, again, may become your common ground. How an action can be deemed 'stupid' is depended on the projection of your understanding which is being forecast through your action. 

For instance, you do have knowledge that the right way to handle trash is to put it into its designated place, the trash bin. However, you put it on top of your friend's bunk :') My dear ladies and gentleman, that is plain stupid. 

And the world has no room for stupidity. We have enough and they are beyond control, we do not need more. 

Being ignorance is fine, it can be forgiven. There are a lot of things that can be explored in this world and not having the 'ilm about it is fine. Ignorance is bliss, katanya. But that is not right too. We do understand the significance of having knowledge about the world in order to help us making the right decisions and choices in this world. Hidup ini penuh dengan ranting ranting yang akan membawa kita kepada satu ranting yang lain. 

Life is a choice, and for us to make the right choice, the act of knowing something is demanded from us. 

Wah wah wah gitu.

#WowWeek13TapiMasihSempatUpdate

#WowHidup

Assalammualaikum.

Apparently, whenever I decided to do something (weird mostly) Allah knows better and will send me tremendous things in bulks. Like for example, a fortnight ago - I decided not to engage with any people, unless necessary. I wish my rules for the week applied to class too, but my parents would be furious over it and myself too would be so rugi because hello masuk universiti ni sebab apa? Lol.

There is no way I could avoid engaging with people at all because a matter of fact, I'm on  Earth. So, yep. 

The reason why I decided to do that weirdly weird exertion is just that I could sense that I keep feeling like a prick, getting annoyed to a lot of things. Things that the normal 'me' would not usually care pun. Partly, I guess because it is almost the time of the month. But, I would say - I just want some time alone to be with myself. 

Here's a twist.