I have been living my life... quite quietly. Only update what I feel necessary to some people I consider close with - while acknowledging the fact that my feelings can be overwhelming to them. There are times when I feel like packing my stuff, deleting my social media accounts, and just deleting any trace of me in this world. 

But of course, I did not.

This woman is too broke to pull that kind of trick sadly.

Yeah.

My job is my coping mechanism.

Alhamdulillah, regardless of whatever happened - Allah still bestows me with a job. I am still trying to do my job properly, but there are times when I am on the verge of breaking up because of insecurity due to my incompetency to complete some tasks. I think, my job is the thing that keeps me sane and insane at the same time. I should clock off by 5.30pm, but sometimes I chose to stay a bit longer and finished whatever I need to do. 

It never finished anyway. 

There are times I feel like coming to the office at 7 am since my place is 10 minutes walking away only, but I decided that would be too much. I should clock in at 8.30 am lol

I can't be emotionally available to everyone, no longer.

I used to be that person who has no problem listening to my friends' ranting whenever they need one. Just give me a call, or shoot me with text right away. But, over time - I realized that in doing so, I am putting my own feelings as the second priority and it is draining my energy. It's painful for me. Suffocating and choking at one point. Or many times this year alone. 

I have always been that kind of person. I don't express myself well though I may seem vocal most of the time. But, the truth is I just took a long period of time to process feelings and discern what I currently have in my mind as well. I talk about a lot of things - crushes, works, books, and things in general. 

But I don't talk about being scolded at work, my mom almost got a stroke last July and I still think about it even today, having no money to survive till the end of the month, I got referred back to Orthopaedics this month due to the same injury that never left me since four years ago, feelings like options to some friends, feeling incompetent.

I guess... adulting changes me.

Feeling sorry for feelings things

For liking a person a little bit too much... but yeah, the first time always hit a little bit harder. 

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May Allah ease everything.

I still wanna properly live this life.

"Tapi kan Fatin, kalau kau continously buat macam ni. Asyik nak lari je. Bila masanya kau nak bagi peluang untuk diri sendiri rasa benda yang kau sepatutnya rasa? Let say if kau let go this time, kau give up this time sebab kau tak nak rasa semua ni-- in the future kau kena lalu jugak weih. Sampai bila kau nak tangguh just because kau tak sedia?" - N.