Assalammualaikum

The Bai'ah Ceremony and whenever we had to sing the university song. I could feel the weight of responsibility brought by the lines/lyrics of the song. The Bai'ah - oath, the Students Oath we pledged during the ceremony successfully sent shivers down my spine. The echoes. It's crazy.

A year ago, I was in Foundation of English Language and now I am moving on to the next phase of my life. (Aside from being 20) Lol. There is nothing wrong with me being twenty but I keep mentioning this. Accept the fact please, Fatin.

Things I have learnt along this week:

Assalammualaikum.

Sebenarnya, kalau ditanya - kenapa dan mengapa? Selalunya akan berakhir dengan jawapan yang sama dari mulut aku (atau jemari yang menaip, cewah); untuk melepaskan rasa. 

I have some issues back then, it wasn't that hard nor easy too. It's only a mess and I accidentally end-up getting hurt by the messiness, somehow. 

Aku selalunya memang nampak macam manusia yang takpeduli dengan apa-apa ._. classmates masa asasi dulu mostly suruh aku senyum ._. (I feel like I smile a lot but apparently I'm not). Tight *cough*face twenty four seven. Tapi bila dahrapat, aku jadi a bit clingy ._. dan ada satu saat aku rasa takut yang orang akan buang aku. Back then, I have found my very own Jade - the one who willingly listened to all my ramble and stuff - but he's gone. Macam Jade jugak, but Jade did said farewell and return. But he's not and I decided that I need to move on and find my own 'place', no more special attachment slash clingy. He is not the issue, dia tu kira macam interlude, sebenarnya prolog lagi tepat kot.

I keep a lot of secret and refuse to spill the beans because I'm just plainly scared of getting hurt. And uhm, trust issue probably? I trust only certain people that make me feel like I can trust 'em. Tahu kan perasaan tu. This Jade is one of 'em. Tsk. Lol.

(Thanks to him by the way!) But I still don't like you kah kah kah.

It started with a simple random blog entry, anything that I feel like telling people because no ones read my blog back then, my daily routines, what happened in school and stuff. But not a big stuff. Lol. I'm just aching to write, letting go things times to times. So yeah, my blog is my escapism. The only medium I used to expressed my inner voice; the suffocating feelings I held back usually. I need to bite my tongue to keep myself, un-hurt. 

Kadang-kadang menulis cerita bukan sekadar untuk mencuba dek ter-inspirasi dari Kak Nana Johari meski katalisnya ada pada dia; menulis masih lagi untuk bercerita tentang kesesakan lalu lintas yang berlaku dari segi kepala dan hati. I'm a messed back then, even of my close friend even said that she actually cannot understand the stories I wrote back then (but since she still cherish and keep my short story collections yang saya sendiri sudah delete salinannya, saya maafkan)

Tu dulu okay.

Sekarang, hampir enam tahun aku ber-blogging, menulis cerita barangkali sudah hampir tiga tahun; banyak blogger yang aku jumpa. Dan E=mc2 lol, dia yang antara yang ada di masa sesi rehabilitasi aku. Sesi pulih dari emosi yang cuba disorok ke sorok yang paling dalam. That freaking un-explainable feeling when she text 'Spill.' afraid that the ticker bomb would explode. I'm blessed, sekarang dahjumpa Jade versi perempuan pulak. 

Dan salah satu sebab aku dah jarang blogging, mungkin juga disebabkan aku dah mula untuk loose myself a bit. Taknampak depressed sangat. Aku senyum banyak sikit dari dulu, aku terima kenyataan, aku rasa okay untuk cerita dekat orang, bergantung dengan orang dan paling penting aku rasa gembira lol hence all the happy endings in my stories. *throw confetti*

Ada satu yang aku masih takpasti. Pensyarah aku kata yang kemungkinan cara aku pandang satu hubungan (as in love relationship) itu mungkin terkesan. Aku taktahu sama ada aku fobia atau tak dengan issue black hole itu; sebab aku takpernah try untuk get involved emotionally since then. Sebab, relationship is not my thing and I just don't know. Yet. Hahahahahahahaha. 

Let's break the interlude shall we? Move on. It's time to move on. Lol, you even need to move since years and years ago maka kenapa naktunggu lagi? Broken heart need to be healed. Times will heal, sure, tapi kalau diri sendiri taknak bergerak, macam mana? #SukaBagiAyatSentapHujungHujung

And that's it. I finally finished my not-so #25 Days Challenge ._.

Have a nice day ._. 

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(p/s: Nak buat review If I Fix You by Abigail Johnson sejak hari Ahad lepas, tangguh sebab ada benda nakbuat sebelum tulis review, tapi Ta'aruf Week ini membuatkan saya penat. Sangat.)

Assalammualaikum

24 had always been my favorite number. It started as a very special date for few of my friends but then I just grew special attachment to the number. Lol, funny aite? How those kind of inter-related things could bring another meaning for yourself. 

Talking about dreams and so. I would like to have my very own book café here in my town. A book store where I can provide books from any languages and state at least, because café really is not my things aside I love caffeinated drink (carbonated drinks or coffee, you named it). The catalyst? If you stay around my area – it is hard to get a copy of English books or any language aside Bahasa Melayu. The only option that you have is by going to KBMALL in Kota Bharu, speaking about super long almost 2 hours journey to get a copy of English book. That, if you live in Kuala Krai. Imagine if you live in Gua Musang which is a lot farther than my area.

Nowadays, maybe you can go purchase it online. 

But still, aren’t handpicked book smells the best? Hiks.

I want to provide books around my area first. I want to encourage people to read, even comics sekalipun because man – I learnt a lot by reading comics. The only bookstores with many branches in Kelantan is Syarikat Muda Osman (SMO). They only supplied Malay books up until a year ago because the last time I went there (which is a week ago), they had started to sell English books. However, the collection is still minimal – Girl Online: On Tour by Zoe Sugg and a compilation of William Shakespeare’s plays.

I remembered, one of the things that my lecturer asked me before, out of curiousity, really. We were talking about few issues regarding Kelantan situation, mainly education and development at the moment when she suddenly asked, “How can you grow to like English and choose to pursue your study in, as a Kelantanese?” We talked about how Kelantanese usually had problems in English but I can’t recalled the exact words (duh why now) Which I answered that I had always like English and maybe at some point because I wasn’t Kelantanese through and through which makes her “Patutlah!” and laughed. Sure, I had Kelantanese blood (from my mom), however the first thirteen years of my life, I was raised in Selangor. (Now you know why I can’t use Kelantanese dialect without sounding weird uhuks) 

I wasn’t raised in a English-speaking-environment, from the day I was born up until I was 18 (considering I’m in Selangor now, uh?). I can be considered coming from underprivileged family. My family do not speak English, we just don’t. Nowadays, I tried to use English to get my sibling familiarize with the plain normal English conversation though they still struggling. 

The first time I registered in my university, seeing almost everyone speaks in English almost got me choked up lol but since I have the face of no-i-don’t-bother, really helped lol. And I tried to speak English a lot that day fuh I’m good at pretending to be good. There’s one time where a friend of mine apparently shocked when I said that my mom work as a cleaner and my father work as a printer then later asked “Tapi macam mana awak boleh speaking English?” Cough. Stereotype people, stereotype.

Even Jade dalam Rooftop Rant terror English belajar dari komik :D 

There’s one thing though, my grammar is still horrible. I’m still building up my vocabulary and phrasal usage. My lecturer said that the best way to learn grammar is to read a lot. However, we used to read for content solely – not the structure. I tried to change the habit, which in exchange does not only works for grammar improvement but appreciation over the sentence structures.

Fuh.
I gotta wreck my body this year :)

p/s: Pandai Uni saya pilih 24th of January as the day of registration :') 

I am that person, yeah – aha that one person who easily get swayed by pool of emotions when listening to song. Especially ones with heavy emotion carried in the melody. I write based on emotions, usually. The deeper the feeling I had for that particular song, the more immerse I am in writing one.

When writing a story, I usually avoid reading stories/novels because it will end up cutting off the link I have with the story. Ah, by the way have you listen to Sorry by Sungha Jung?

Well, you should. I think, Sorry was the starting point for me. Rythm/Melody catch my attention first, as a matter of fact, then lyrics. But still, when lyrics get way to ‘astray’, I would not listening to ‘em anymore.

Another one that works really well for me is by observing people, something that I do on my daily basis. Talk to people, or simply jotting down anything sounds cool out of people. 

This. One.

Hiks.

I usually looks for studyblr in Tumblr. To get envious over their (obviously) super productive day. To get a slap on the face for being lazy. Yeah, my kind of getting worked-up and start studying. Lol.

There’s time where I opt to read few pages I fancy in Rooftop Rant written by HLOVATE too, but that is when emotions get over me so hard that I cannot ‘move’. As you can see, I'm a bit introverted, though I want to casually say that I'm not. I'm ammbivert who are more inclined to the introverted side.  I kept things inside till I feel like bursting out, a ticker bomb. I have few people who willing to listen, but it just me.

I read. I get inspired easily by reading. Be it blog, books or people (not on daily occasion but its enjoyable, don’t you think so). I listen intently to people though I may look like I don’t really give any attention to ‘em. I just got that look, what can I say? Lol.

I recently read If I Fix You by Abigail Johnson and I kinda love how the pieces is beautifully written. The feelings, the word chosen to describe those emotion is just beautiful. I cried.