081: What morning feels like, Midnight?

By faten.banana - September 16, 2021

Photo by Tomáš Malík on Unsplash

I find it weird. The fact that as I am getting older, many things scared me out compared to when I was still a child. Does the idea of being responsible somehow repressed my courage from doing whatever I want in this world? I do wonder, and will always will, I figured. 

There are times when I wake up in the morning; right after I open my eyes - I would think about what am I going to do with my life? This constant questioning often then being brush-off or repress due to the number of works I have to deal with from day to day.

Is this something that a normal adult would feel every single day?

I hate having to deal with the repercussion of something that could happen in the future. Heck, it did not even happen yet, but the continuous doubts and overthinking kills my desire to do something beyond whatever I had.

... was the thought I had been keeping since last year. I wrote the above part last month, but could not able to finish the write-ups. Alhamdulillah though, I have been in a much calmer state since last week and I no longer feel as if my world had become meaningless (no goals in life). The past 3 months had been so hard for me, last month especially because I was at the peak of my devastation.

It burst obviously. I had enough to one point. I got sick too. But, luckily I managed to pop the bubble and step into the world, again. 

Now, I know for sure there are little things I want to achieve next year. I am very much looking forward to it. In order for me to achieve those things, I need to work hard starting from this year. 

I no longer feel that lonely too, now that I occupied myself with webinars, podcasts, books and academic stuff that I left back in March. I picked up writing again. The main reason I left this blog for a long time, not because I am so busy with work-stuff - but because I lost the confidence to write. I have come to the point where I hate writing. I do not want to write. 

I just don't write anymore. 

I know, there is one entry in this blog where I mentioned that even if I'm no longer here - it's not because I hate writing :') Welp, it just happened. I hateD writing and the only writing I did during that threshold was texting my friends and pretty much only work-related stuff. I do not even update my social media that much tsk tsk.

But as I picked up myself again, here I am. It started with a simple LinkedIn posting I made as a response to a TedTalk video that randomly appeared on my LinkedIn's homepage. A strong urge to get Hiduplah Untuk Hari Ini by Muhammad Al Ghazali and Don’t Worry, Allah Lebih Tahu Yang Terbaik by Miftahul Asror Malik further push myself to get back to writing.

Things will get into their place again :)

May Allah ease our journey. 

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6 comments

  1. hi!! everything will be okay insyaAllah, i hope you will feel better in time! im only 18 but i could understand you..ive been overthinking about a lot of things too..worried a lot and very scared what the future holds for me but..insyaallah everything will be fine :)

    https://mylittlestoryi.blogspot.com/

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    Replies
    1. Nah, don't said it that way - age is just a number. There is always something we can learn from each other despite the age. May Allah grants you the ease to do whatever you intend to, perhaps with correct orientation of niat, things will get better.

      I hope you will find goals you want to achieve in the future too <3

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  2. Such a thoughtful writing. Huhu.

    Me too, been questioning myself the purpose of my life especially at times I have nothing to look forward to. As a muslim, 51:56 might be the obvious answer but sometimes we tend to forget (including me) that the purpose of life is suppose to be constant and not change with time.

    Glad to know you're doing good now. Hoping it will get better for you :)

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  3. Hiduplah Untuk Hari Ini is a good book to remind yourself to live a life and not worrying things in the past and/or future. And yeah, we’re living in the age of instancy (is that even a word??) and achievements, it feels pressure to keep up with it. Me, myself going through some tough times but I know I would be okay somehow. Sorry for ranting and have a good day to you!

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