068: Semester 5 | rearing insecurity as if it is a 'child'

By faten.banana - July 08, 2019

Today is Monday, meaning it has been a week since I started my short semester. It is my first time signing up for a short semester (cause ya know I rather have 3 months holiday too). Taking a short semester was never in my plan as I figured I can finish all the required subjects within the estimated four years. I could, but it may seem I mistakenly overestimate my mental capacity of handling 21.5 credit hours per semester. I know there are people who can still score quite well even though they have 24+ credit hours per semester.

Pft. Certainly, I do not belong to the list.

What is it like to be a Third Year student?
Frankly - miserable. A lecturer once told us that one of the reasons why most the senior students in our department have deteriorating results is because of the absence of passion. Passion and patience are important elements we need in order to keep going. You may have the patience, but with passion being eliminated within yourself, things might get harder and harder over the period of time. Imagine doing an assignment just because we have to get it finished rather than doing it aside from fulfilling the requirements and feeding our inner curiosity?

At one point, we might even consider changing the course or even stop studying. Because putting an end to something that hurt us is better than continuously working on something that does not seems to give the same energy in returns.

Wow who hurt you? Lol.

How do you deal with it?
I read my previous entries, especially those from my first year. It helps me because I found that little pieces of me during that particular year, documented here, is the best version of me I ever want to be. I want to be someone who is always curious. I want to be someone who did not do things just because I had to.

Gaining knowledge does not work totally like that.

I watched a lot of video from English Literature students, scrolled on StudyBlr and StudyGram. If the assignments become too overwhelming for me, I would rant to my friends lol.

There is no correct or incorrect answer to this, you do you.

Do you have any regrets?
I obviously have some regrets from last semester even though I pretty much love all the subjects and the lecturers who taught me. I submitted a paper that I shamefully write on its due date as I was being unconsciously cocky with my capability. I lost track and miscalculated the time I need to finish the paper even though I already have the main idea on what I should do.

me after realizing how screw up I am :')
As a result, I learnt that I do not have the competence to finish an analysis of political discourse within a day. Shame on me.

How was your emotional turmoil this time?
I suffered from a few depressing (note that I am not diagnosed with depression, I used this as a figure of speech only) episodes due to my inability to assimilate myself in the class - of being insecure. Since the last two years, for some reason, I keep thinking that the level of insecurity residing in my self has been increasing day by day. Each day could not go by without me feeling uselessly anxious.

Even though I have heard there are people who said I am a confident fella, there are things beyond the normal eyes could ever see. I have my own struggles and fears.

Each day could not pass without having me keep tapping a new name on my imaginary list of  'The Next Top People I Feel Insecure To'. I keep downgrading my ability to understand the concept taught in class just because I could not figure the right answer for the question randomly thrown up by the lecturers. It gets worse as I no longer enjoy the class because I feel so dumb tsk tsk. I do not even feel confident in asking any questions to the class because I thought it would be a nuisance to the class. I would avoid myself from getting involved with those people furthermore. Heh. Anything that would not make me face my insecurities.

Yes, without realizing that I keep feeding the insecurity with its biggest meal ever.

I am still in the middle of challenging my insecurities, I want it to go but rather than just shutting it down with tudung periuk lol I want it gone in peace. A small amount of insecurity is fine, as it would keep me in check.

Semester 5, in conclusion?
It was crazy. But I love it to the core because I get to challenge myself into doing a few things that I would usually avoid. There are times I feel devastated with my study-pace yet things eventually come into place. I have the best teammates in classes, I tried to counter my insecurities once in a while by letting myself openly asked questions that made my lecturers let out a long sigh. Yet, I am grateful because they still answer my questions despite how it literally demonstrates my ignorance in the class. Lol.

That's it - I am gonna do me.
May Allah ease everything!

p/s: I am sorry if this entry radiates such a negative vibe! Promise, I will do better!

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  1. I am in the same position with you, and still searching for the missing spirit.. All the best to us... XD

    1. You will find the missing parts :D

      or maybe it is a way for the One up there to replace it with the best part for you.

  2. my lect tell the exact same thing! he say, "wow can believe all of u come to my class. oh yea u guys still junior right. most of ur senior didn't show up anymore in the class. i only can see their faces during test or final"

    i almost lost my passion in engineering but i stil got u and my closed friend with me. so yea, pray for me. got at least 5 more sem!

  3. yes.. senior year can be so depressing sometimes. I also a final year student and I can tell you it is hella tiring and stressful. But just go for it at it will be over sooner or later.

  4. Yes! You do you.
    What you're feeling for the last 5 semesters, I believe most students went through the same thing.
    All the best to you :)

  5. I love reading an honest post like this more rather than the typical lifestyle posts, so don't be sorry:)
    I felt that when I was a student too. I had so much energy and spirit for the earlier semesters and no idea why I slowly lost the passion which now is making me having no love for my work life tehee. But I'll get through this, I need to, at least till I find the passion again, or a new one. Good luck for your studies anyway!

    1. I guess everyone has that phase of losing interest in whatever used to be their passionate endeavor? May the force be with us :D

      Hiks, thanks and hopefully it reflects back to you!

  6. what a trip reading this. it's okay feeling that way. I have an entire series documenting those moments in my blog (lol, who hurt me kan?). it's a good thing you take the fifth semester so positively too. it means you're doing better!

    1. Hehehe, hope its not too bumpy!

      Thanks for that, I don't really notice that until you said so :D