078: I Hear Your Voice

Photo by pure julia on Unsplash

How often do we actually listen to ourself, I wonder?

Do we?

Especially when it comes to a desperate red alert?

"Chill, you are going to be in trouble."

"Take a deep breath, you got this."

"Just sleep. Go to sleep."

I have been getting myself into the same circle that got in me trouble for the first two weeks of the semester. Of course, I think it is important to get your mental health in check. But it is easier to say this to someone rather than to my ownself. The irony. I can feel like I am getting into that slump again. I feel like I am getting that unnecessary stress again. The negative stress.

I keep having migraine. Acnes, more and more pop-up. Craving for sweet things. Feeling anxious over all the works I have to get done. I get easily pissed-off. I laugh but I don't feel like I am genuinely happy? 

My roomate was like - "Fatin awal-awal dahbanyak assignment." because she has been seeing me sitting on my work desk all day. And that makes me think a lot. Like, am I pushing myself (too hard) again? After I look at all the dues I have (which is like in December mostly), I sighed. I always have trouble with wanting to be ahead everything, to feel in control over my works that it exceed my mental capacity to handle things.

We do that sometimes you know.

So, for the past few days. I have been chilling a little bit. I go for a walk around my uni with le friends (Yas, together we stuck in the uni XD) I just realized how walking even around my mahallah, makes me feel at ease. I bought few things to treat myself :') I rarely rewards myself (so uhm I actually bought an album because I deserved having PENTAGON's WE:TH Album lol) I eat things I want but keeping it on ratio because I wanted to lose some more weights (too many weddings next year >,<) Ah, I already at that age where I have to attend weddings of my closest pals.

At the end of the day, always listen to yourself. Work hard but never be too hard on ourself :) 

Listen.

Case 7 | mind-numbing conversations

Photo by Adam Neumann on Unsplash

... of 'Are you going to get a job after graduating?'

I will, of course. But I do not know how long would it takes for me to secure a placement. Life is hard, gotta do whatever it takes to live - waiting included. It can be quite tiring to reassure people that we can do something with our degree though we are not from the commonly known/highly-wanted courses. Especially parents. I guess, what they wanted to know is that their children did not just waste their 4 years in the university without no reassuring life after graduation. 

They wanted to feel the ease that their children would not end up at the roadside. I understand that. Reacting and giving response to that would usually cause the trouble(s) though. My mom did not mind that much actually - of course, she has a certain set of expectation towards her first daughter but meh just like me, she is a huge propagator that ones should do whatever they want in life. Nowadays, I tried to list things that I am capable of doing. 

I end up having a list of things I hate doing lol. 

Well, that is a start for now. I have friends who wanted to do course-related jobs like transcribing, translating and content-writing. I have seniors who are working in banking and marketing sectors - yes, with an English degree. We never know. Rezeki is somewhere we know not, after all.

Recently, I read something about Tawakkul. It said tawakkul is not a passive verbal characteristic to which is usually associated with. It is an active action where people need to execute their effort to the fullest before putting trust to Allah SWT.

... of 'When are you going to get someone special in life?'

'Tis the question I would let fate drag me into the flow. What I know for now is I am not ready at all. The idea of having someone into my life makes me uncomfortable. Sure, I can have a crush on someone but it will come crashing down because my world feels better without such troubles. I would just shove people's question with 'Nah, I'm not getting married.' and that will save me for a while lol (after two minutes lecture of how I should not be wishing that way of course)

These days, I keep thinking about someone. Been weeks if I have to be frank.  Known him for years, were insignificantly involved with him for the past three years - thus I would always describe us as a mere acquaintance. His actions and tiny gestures just keep flashing inside my mind though it was months ago. And he is someone that treats people that way no matter who. But then again, I don't think I am compatible with him. I have a complicated life that I am not ready to let someone in, just yet. 

Let me be alone now will ya?

[ps: I wanted to delete this part because it feels weird talking about such deep feelings but nah.]

... of 'Are you not going to talk about how I am making a wrong decision here?'

I am trying to reflect over what has gone wrong here. I do not know either people are just scared of me or what. But ya know, I would not mind at all if people having a go at me whenever I tried to do something that would cause trouble to my future self.

That's it. That's the post for this week :') 

I just need to write this off my mind lol.

Review | W.H.Y: What Happened To Your Relationship

"You still don't know why she dumped you? 

A 20-year-old who got dumped on 100th day anniversary.

How can she dump a guy like him?! TT

Anyone wants to join my trip to Jeju island?! 

(Source: Playlist Studio)

Drama: WHY

Country: South Korea

Episodes: 10

Aired: Nov 10, 2018 - Dec 13, 2018

It feels like years since I last make a review on web drama from Playlist Global. I am a big fan of them ever since they started their journey with Love Playlist from Season 1 until Season 4. It has been a while too since I last watched any of their web drama, I do not even watch A-TEEN which literally lifted Playlist Global more into the scene. 

Let's move on to the review anyhow ~

Lol.

W.H.Y: What Happened To Your Relationship is a web drama that I would describe as a story centralized around the idea of coming into term with our past relationship. It is a story that deals with break-ups, friendship and self-love. 

The plot started with the depressive Cha Yeon Woo who had been dealing (terribly) with his break-up. He broke up with his ex-girlfriend who he had known for 4 years right on their 100th day anniversary - without reason. For the past three months, he had been struggling with his daily life because he never knew the reason for their break-up and keep blaming himself for it. For the past three months too, his friends, Seul-Gi and Jae-Young, have always stuck around him. Together, they embark into a trip to cheer their friend up :)

Because I can't yet imagine

the day I'll throw everything 

away

with my own hands.

Yeon Woo, Episode 3.

One thing I particularly like about Playlist Global is their ability to produce pieces with themes that resonate and pester to people. Lol, I literally used the word pester jyeah. I never experience such break-up (no, we are not going to consider that one painful emotional break-up with my crush that probably did not even know my existence) but the whole story managed to pound my heart. I mean, you would understand if you look at how heartbroken Yeon Woo is. 

At first, I thought Yeon Woo had probably done something that makes her ex-girlfriend who promised to love him longer, only to break that promise by the night time. To be left - so sudden and without reason, makes him fall into self-guilt's hollow. He thought he messed up something. Probably the clothes he wears, the anniversary present, or even the way he responded to her on that day.

He had always thought, it was him who messed up.

The script, the acting can be quite awkward at time. The balance can be quite off too as W.H.Y appears to stress more on Yeon Woo's personal development and self-growth. Compared to Love Playlist, LP give almost equivalent time for each character to develop themselves. Nevertheless, I love the overall feeling I experienced from this 10 episodes web drama. 

This web drama deals with love, sure. But it did not put a spotlight upon 'getting into a relationship'. I really like the fact that the web drama does not make Yeon Woo suddenly jump into a relationship with Da In, whom he gets to know during the trip. They seem to propagate the idea that healing from a broken relationship should not be equated with the ability to get into a relationship right away. 

I, in fact, love that little 'some' moment they had - especially that one when Yeon Woo reading the lines from the novel. Man, I would literally fly right away *heart attack* 

Healing takes times. Not everyone who falls will run right at the moment. Sometimes, it is better to make ourself stand first, dust off the dirt on our knees and clothes, walk properly before getting into running again. 

It is a process.

Would you like to watch this drama?

Click here :)

520 Giveaway by Garaeki

Assalammualaikum <3

First of all, congratulations to Garaeki (@ Leo) for reaching 520 followers (544, as I am writing this)! Celebrating with books some more uWu! Having followers, even one or two, feel like having one load of comrades that would accompany us #NotAlone.  I can't wait to have my own giveaway where I can give book for free too XD 

I do wonder if I would ever hit 500 tsk.

*cough*

I have several books in my wish list at the moment lol (no surprise). Currently, I am trying to read more English novels written by Asian writers, specifically, ones from South-East Asian (SEA) region. I have been eyeing books by authors such as Hanna Alkaf, Kevin Kwan and Julya Oui. All of them recently release new works. But, one I have always wanted to read is Crazy Rich Asian series by Kevin Kwan. 

I went to watch the movie last year when it first comes out. Man, you can literally see my jaw dropping for every second of the movie :') If the movie can be that beautiful, I wonder how bewitching the novel itself - where we can use our own imagination to paint the image in our mind.

Tag: Zaa from La Vie Est Belle
Instagram: istudy_aya 

Special mention to Suraya from Surayooo for tagging me :)

Best of luck! :D

077: Decrypting Life

Photo by Rocco Stoppoloni on Unsplash

They say, our 20s are pretty confusing age. At one point, we feel like we had it figured - not all, but probably a quarter of it. Yet, things take sudden change, the things we had in mind soon crumbled into specks of dust and we no longer know what we want to do. That little thing we hold dearly in our hand, clasped firmly in between our trembling fingers as we tried to move higher to the mountain. Yet we stumbled into a deep forest. Deep forest that does not only attack us with the mist of insecurity but strangely taken away whatever left in our hands too.

I want to live. 

I would like to figure things out, even if I had to start all over again though.

At one point, I think I know what I wanted to do with my degree. I think I finally figured what I wanted to do with my life. What road I am going to take in order to achieve that dream. But, I failed to recognize our road to success does not always appear in straight line. There are branches of road. There are going to take us into the forest, the sea, the city, the people. We stumbled. We might stop - only to take a breath hopefully. Something like the Tomakninah in prayers. But we are not going to stop for eternity, unless the Higher Power decided to take away our soul.

Up until last week, I think I know where I want to go. Crossing the goals I have made in early 2020. The archived one though - like doing internship, which I chose not to right before ending the sem prior to short semester (period for internship) for a peace of my mind end up become a triggering matter for me. Not that much till it literally trigger me, but it bugged me to some extend. I wish I do my internship, yet the leisure I am having to do something I like - attending webinars, watching dramas, studying on my own, reading a lot - stopped me from sighing for a decision I have made (which is, really, not that bad either).

Photo by Sincerely Media on Unsplash

I am here to say that - decrypting life seems to be a tough job, for everyone. Though they appear nonchalant about it. We will get there someday, somehow. Treasure our life. As to live and pursue journey appear to be a form of gift often to be taken for granted. Worrying about the future does not make us a loser (at all). Worry as much as we wanted to, it helps us relieving some unintended stress building from simply living our life (I mean, we get stress even when it comes to choosing what we should eat lol). However, we have to be aware that worrying only would not take us anywhere.

Do not stop for too long.

Move.

076: of catharsis and post-exam apocalypse

Photo by Lÿv Jaan on Unsplash

Assalammualaikum.

Well, it's been a while? Lol. 

A number of things have changed since the day I started my ertl (Emergency Remote Teaching & Learning) experience. I thought I can handle it - apparently, I have to admit defeat at certain days...or subject(s) even. Every single day is just a battle. Really, as much as I love doing online classes as it would allow people to be more open and brave in voicing out their opinions - the dimmer part of online learning cannot just be tossed aside.

Moving forward, it has been a week since my final assessment. I finished my exam on Monday and submitted my individual essay on Friday. It has been a week of lazing around, doing nothing other than watching drama on Viu and fangirling on Youtube :) I finished a crime-thriller drama, The Bridge Season 2, which is so good (and twisted) I admit! I have ditched Malay drama for so long, forgetting that some of them could provide such a rewarding experience.

I still read Malay novels, and I am not ashamed to admit this. I share similar sentiments with a few of my course-mate who reads Malay novel despite the tendency for people to insult Malay novel (without actually reading them). We just need to find the right book for us as reading is a continuous journey. 

I am still recovering from fever and flu - but life has been better. There is so much thing happening around the world at the moment. We probably feel a sense of urgency to know everything. The latest news about COViD-19, the Beirut explosion, UAE being the third Muslims country to have diplomatic ties with Israel, the current (chaotic) political scene in Malaysia or even the heated discussion about Muslims repressive so-called 'representation' on Netflix. (lol all these from Twitter)

But you know - it is okay to not know every single thing that is happening. It is good to know more about the world, yet - if it would create chaos inside us - it is better to just focus on ourself. Do things that would help ourself, the time would come where it would become beneficial to society. The time would come when we suddenly feel like reading about them, we know ourself better isn't? Loud and clear.

What is my plan for the next 8 weeks?

I intend to write more. You can expect a weekly update ehe because I miss writing so much! Besides, I have put aside a bunch of books I want to finish this semester break. I do not know if I can finish them, but I can try. At least. Tsk. I wanna learn how to do brush lettering too, that would require a lot of practises ehe.

Other than that, I hope all of you are doing good. 

See you in the next entry :)

[review] Quartet | Saidatul Saffaa

Assalammualaikum

Quartet oleh Saidatul Saffaa sebenarnya novel yang membuatkan aku menimbang sama ada should I or should I not read it sebab dari sinopsis yang aku baca – pendek kata, ada yang aku tak berkenan dari sekilas perenggan sinopsis itu. 

Tapi bila dah berkali-kali novel ni naik depan mata aku, I decide then – why not? Jadi aku baca sampai first part, which I found quite interesting frankly sebab aku rasa dia ada kaitan jugak dengan perspektif biasa kita sebagai perempuan. Lol. 

Atau aku…heh.

Lepastu aku gatal tangan baca last chapter and I was like…shoot! I hate this! Aku taksuka stail cerita end macam ni. Jadi aku stop dan letak novel ni ke tepi. Sebab aku takboleh brain kenapa? But I end up, picking it back after a day or two, and continue reading it sampai ke halaman terakhir sebab aku curious.

.

.

.

It is beautiful, somehow?

Kalau baca review dekat Goodreads pun sebenarnya banyak review yang bercampur, antara yang suka sangat dan tak suka. Lagipun, aku rasa ramai yang kecewa sebab letakkan penulis sama stail-nya dengan salah seorang penulis dari penerbitan yang sama just because she wrote about islamic-hijrah too. Aku rasa sangat harsh untuk cakap cerita ini hanya berkisar tentang Misa, watak utama, yang sibuk untuk mencari peneman hidup. Novel ni macam coming-of-age pun ada, progress buku dari halaman pertama hingga ke hujung buat pembaca sama-sama ‘membesar’ dengan Misa.

Sama-sama berbunga hati dengan Misa.

Sama-sama struggle dengan struggle Misa.

Sama-sama terkesan dengan apa yang Misa lalu.

Sama-sama jugak kita tengok dia bangun bila the same thing keep toppling her. People would think she is stupid for doing so, tapi kan – aren’t we all like that? Ada satu masa aku rasa karakter Misa tu sebenarnya macam satu sarcasm yang kita taknak terima sebab macam tak logik je tindakan dia tu.

Tapi, entahlah – it screams. Loud but I heard it in mumble because aku dengar dengan takpakai spect mata.

Lol.

 

Ada sesuatu dalam novel ni yang buat it lingers in mind. Aku taktau... sebenarnya, aku taknak describe. Selain itu, among things yang aku boleh pick up dari novel ni:

1. Kadar kelajuan perubahan seseorang itu taksama, you can’t expect people to have the same success rate just because you have it that way.

2. The fact that there are people around you, who cares for you, despite you not seeing them – is just a huge blessing in disguise.

075: cold coffee - the good, bad and road not taken

Photo by Mario Ibrahimi on Unsplash

Cold Coffee

Some people like their coffee ice-cold. with lots of ice that soon melt but remained it cooling sensation. Some prefer it to be hot - seeping hot, only to buzz the tongue and awaken our mind from short slumber. I personally don't mind either - but it perks me whenever I, myself, left my hot coffee unattended and it turns cold. 

There is something about it being left cold that I did not like but I drink it regardless.

Because it is mine. I am guilty of leaving it turns cold, there is just a nudge in me that say that I should not let it go to waste too. Plus, it is something that I personally make for me. Ironically, it is also me who left it, turning it into something that I found unpleasant but acceptable (could be by force at times) to my own throat.

The good, the bad

Life is a series of choice, no surprise. We open our eyes in the early morning (or noon.........or late afternoon lol), we soon confronted with choices - another 5 more minutes or just wake up and start our morning routine. Should we have coffee or tea (or milo)? Should we put one or two teaspoon of sugar? Should we wash our face before taking breakfast or not?

Again, choices. It extends from micro-things like these to extravagant things that could effect our life.

Should we live today, or should we just ... end things up?

Because everything is just a messed up choices - we never make a right one and we end up suffering. Life is a ball of  tangled strings that we know not how to unravel it - or we chose not to do. Because it is easier to remain (or pretend) to be numb than picking every single pieces of our limbs, shattered parts, tangling mess that do not recognize it truer shapes.

Hey, no one ask you to make it into its original shape!?
So what if it shattered, entwine to unrecognizable state - I mean, so what?

Photo by Kael Bloom on Unsplash

The Road Not Taken

Good choices - most probably bring us closer to happiness.

Bad choices - No one said its going to be a doom for us. It will most probably bring us closer to happiness too, but using different roads. Probably with a lot of hills, mountains, we might stumbled upon lion that tries to scare the hell out of us too. But no one said it is going to be a doom end for us.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

The Road Not Taken (1916) by Robert Frost

And here I am, sipping my hot-turned-cold Oldtown's Hazelnut coffee - hating it but kinda like that stronger bitter taste it left than when it is hot.

[review] Baju Melayu Hijau Serindit | Syud

Assalammualaikum.

Jadinya, sejak mula PKP aku jumpa banyak benda yang aku boleh kembali tuai minatnya. Antaranya adalah baca novel melayu. I stumbled upon PNM e-reader an initiative by Perpustakaan Negara Malaysia where we can borrowed books virtually and read them via their application, legally for free.

Dan benda pertama yang aku cari daripada website dorang (https://pnm.elib.com.my/) adalah novel-novel keluaran Jemari Seni (sebab aku rindu T_T) Dan aku sangat happy bila tengok collection dorang yang okaylah... around 51 buah dari JS kot - tapi takde HLOVATE #disclaimer.

Why do I enjoy this book? 

Baju Melayu Hijau Serindit, aku tahu waktu browse website Jemari Seni dulu. Tapi, aku takrasa nakbeli waktu tu sebab bagi aku tajuk dia pelik dan sinopsis dia buat aku terus label 'cliche'. Only because dia centralize pasal 'jadi calon suami saya olok-olok' kind of story yang aku dah muak baca.

But, there are so much in this novel yang buat aku rasa sedikit bersalah lepas tu. Lol.

1) Gaya Penulisan

Aku mula kenal Syud dari Vignette (her latest novel published in 2016) - I fall in love hard dengan cara penulisan dia. Sempoi tapi teratur, ada pembayang disebalik straight-forwardnya. In a way, gaya penulisan dia lebih kurang dengan HLOVATE tapi lebih relax. Aku tak kenal sangat Syud sebab aku hanya baca buku HLOVATE je dari Jemari Seni. Lol, sekarang aku sedikit menyesal sebab tak kenal dia dari awal. At least aku boleh collect semua buku dia yang maha susah nakcari sekarang :')

2) Setting

This novel took place mostly dekat tempat yang aku selalu spend time release stress mcm LT Gombak-Putra Height, KLCC dan Setapak. Disebabkan aku dahlama dekat KL dan tempat tempat yang dia mentioned kebetulan adalah tempat yang aku selalu luang masa dekat sana, it makes me feel connected somehow? Sebab aku boleh bayang macam mana those scene took place dekat situ.

Macam bila dia mentioned Butik Arzu dekat Mid-Valley, walaupun aku takpernah masuk dalam butik tuv - aku boleh bayang.

3) Karakter

Aku sebenarnya baru tahu bila baca novel ni; rupanya novel Syud semua karakternya mesti ada kaitan dengan novel-novel yang lain. Dalam novel ni, Pacai (atau Firas) adalah kawan baik kepada Adil (from Untuk Awak Teja Aulia). Wardah pulak ada kaitan dengan Teja (Untuk Awak Teja Aulia) dan Ilham (dari Vignette).

Pacai bagi aku agak lain dari watak lelaki dalam novel-novel Syud yang aku dah baca, sebab dia lebih 'tak terkawal' dari segi emosi hahaha. Lebih expressive. Lebih beremosi dan jenis yang buat dulu sesuatu pastu baru dia tanggung side-effect. Lol. In a way, dia sangat straight-forward which makes me favors him a lot too.

What I have learnt from this novel?

1) Gaya pemikiran lelaki dan perempuan yang sebenarnya (takperlu diberitahu pun lol) sangat berbeza. 

From the whole novel, aku macam betul lah perempuan ni kekadang overthinking dia lain macam sikit - tapi kita buat benda tu out of cares, bukan saja-saja. Kalau lagi sayang, lagi teruk overthinking-nya. Ehe. I still find it funny how Wardah punyalah fikir bukan-bukan bila dia terserempak dengan Pacai yang muka habis heartbroken tapi turns out dia cuma is 'having a bad day' (nak tahu kena baca). Lol.

2) Komunikasi tu penting.

Apa-apa masalah atau benda yang kita taktau pucuk pangkal dia, kita kena tanya. Letak belakang kebarangkalian 'macam mana kalau dia tipu?' sebab ini hubungan dengan manusia. Hubungan antara manusia dengan manusia tak boleh operates dengan jayanya hanya dengan 'andaian'. Dengan sesiapa pun.

Who am I suggesting this for?

... yang suka bahan bacaan santai dan funny in contemporary way? Ehe.

... yang suka sedas dua tembakan emosi.

... yang suka HLOVATE.

Aku personally bagi Baju Melayu Hijau Serindit 4.5 bintang kot? Kalau tengok dekat Goodreads pun, rating novel Syud semua 4 ke atas. 

Case #6 | menyelongkar 'Jurnal Kosong'

*This post would be in Bahasa Malaysia* | Amaran: Entri ni panjang hehe

Aku sebenarnya tak tahu macam mana pandangan orang dengan hasil tulisan aku, lebih-lebih lagi 'jerangkung-jerangkung' dan 'muntahan' perasaan yang aku letak dalam Wattpad. Dekat blog, aku lebih rasional (sikit hahaha) - tapi bila dekat Wattpad, aku lebih selesa nak cerita pasal emosi dan benda-benda sekeliling aku yang berlaku atau terlintas dalam kepala. Daripada aku asingkan jadi cerita-cerita pendek, aku kumpulkan semua dalam satu folder 'Jurnal Kosong: Himpunan Cerita' yang aku update ikut mood aku. 

Dan mood aku selalunya datang setahun sekali.

Lol.

Akan adalah update kalau emosi aku waktu tu terasa berat. Kadang-kadang benda happy, kadang-kadang macam reflection yang aku tujukan pada seseorang tapi aku taknak tulis benda tu direct and straight forward. Selalunya bila aku nak move on dari sesuatu... atau seseorang. Be it friends, crush(es) lol or even people that I get entangled with. Somehow. 

Dan kenapa aku disini? Heh. Aku nak reminisce dan reflect balik apa yang aku tulis dalam Jurnal Kosong, in a way providing the author's point-of-view. I would love to know apa orang lain sebagai pembaca (kalau ada haha) rasa? Setakat aku menulis pada hari ini (14 April 2020) aku ada 10 cerita dalam ni tapi aku nakcakap pasal beberapa je. So here, the gist and I guess sedikit back up story? Kot.

001: Chance

"We are who we are because of our past, and we are where we are because of it." 

This is basically the gist. Takramai orang tahu, sebab aku jenis yang nampak okay je kat mana-mana. But I have serious problem when it comes to my past. Bukan setakat jerangkung sendiri, jerangkung orang pun ada aku simpan sekali sebab at the end of the day, benda tu akan berkait jugak dengan aku. I still have fear over the past. Yang tahu, tahu aku ambil masa lama untuk come into terms dengan this situation. Separuh dalam cerita ni, benda yang memang jadi tsk. I have scars, but its okay.

002: 18

"Metaphore dia macam oreo cheesecake. Memang sedap, tapi rasa tu akan berganti dengan muak kalau selalu makan. There's nothing special bout it anymore. Bila muak - you would stop kan? Takkiralah its your favourite pun. Maka, apa akan jadi lepas tu."

My friend, Zaa sangat suka this one. Aku sebenarnya tak ingat aku tulis pasal siapa, for sure bukan diri aku sendiri. This one memang 100% fictional lol. Ni lebih kepada reflection pasal sesuatu.Aku rasa aku tulis as a reminder pada diri aku sendiri jugak yang taksemua benda aku explore, jatuh dan suka waktu umur aku masih muda akan retain sama. Kadang-kadang, ada benda kena dibiarkan masak dan matang.

003: Hues of Promise

"Kalau kau buat semua ni semata-mata disebabkan aku pernah selamatkan kau. And if this is the way for you to pay me. I truly appreciate it. All your hardworks, sincerely."

Yang ni special, sebab aku sebenarnya sambung drabble yang Zaa takhabis. Kitorang tukar satu drabble yang takhabis sesama sendiri dan kembangkan jadi one whole cerita. Aku rasa ni lebih kepada one-shot story, tapi lepas tu aku sebenarnya ada niat naksambung tapi sebab aku ada banyak sangat idea - aku taktahu mana satu would work the best?

006: Tiga Kata (Prolog)

"Taksemua perlu ada betul dan salah secara jelas."

Sesungguhnya, aku ada niat naksambung. Tapi tulah, cuma niat. Aku personally suka the gist of this. Ada benda betul yang jadi, dan ada benda aku tangkap dan letak dalam tu. Persoalannya, yang mana satu? Haha. Cara penulisan aku waktu ni lebih bersifat deskriptif daripada guna dialog - which could be a bit dry.

007: Differences

"But we like each other, right?" Dia bersuara. Senyum tersungging di bibir.

"Yep, we do."

No matter how sweet this looks like, ketahuilah - ini salah satu contoh farewell letter aku. Mamat ni pun dah ada girlfriend and they are going steady I guess? Hehehe. One thing for sure dari drabble ni, aku naksampaikan yang kadang-kadang taksemestinya kita kena sentiasa cari titik persamaan antara kita dengan orang lain (friends or significant other). Boleh jadi, titik perbezaan tu lah yang melengkapi antara dua manusia. We don't have to be sad about it.

008: Permulaan

This is one of my personal favorite. Aku menulis dan rasa nak create satu watak yang ada flaws - untuk bagi a sense of reality macam tu. Dan kalau perasan, aku masih bercakap pasal the past. Dan mungkin, peluang kedua untuk diri sendiri. Selalunya kita akan centralized the idea of giving second chances dekat orang lain. But when it comes to ourself, pernah tak kita bagi peluang kedua untuk diri sendiri rasa sesuatu tu?

Human beings, we tend to be hard on ourself. But you know, you don't have to.

010: Resolusi

"I guess we have no problems to worry about. We are fine like this. We found each other, and that's half solving the problem already."

Resolusi ada dua maksud kat sini, tapi aku maksudkan macam resolusi gambar ehe. My latest update, selepas sekian lama. A farewell letter jugak, untuk manusia yang aku suka dibawah sedar. Hope he's doing fine lol. Sincerely.  Zaa cakap this one penuh dengan emosi. Sure, it did. Sebab aku tulis waktu perasaan suka aku dekat dia tu terlalu dalam (ewah) sampai aku rasa sedih aku kena move on lol. 

But, I did anyway. Hahaha. Kadang-kadang aku lupa dah nama dia apa. 

For sure, fate has it own strange ways in navigating our life. But when it happened, be prepared or at least embrace it with an open mind. 

---

Photo by Hello I'm Nik 🎞 on Unsplash

Panjang kan? Hahaha. Dahlah aku dahlama tak menulis dalam bahasa :')

Aku tak famous pun dekat Wattpad (atau kat mana-mana), sebab bila menulis - aku menulis untuk aku sendiri. Dan aku post pun untuk diri aku sendiri, lol. Berlainan dengan blog, benda yang aku tulis dekat Wattpad especially bila melibatkan watak lelaki adalah farewell letter daripada diri aku kepada those people yang pernah melintas dalam jalur waktu aku bernafas. Hehe. I guess, itu menjawab soalan orang orang yang selalu tanya kenapa aku selalu amik masa singkat nak lupakan seseorang yang aku crush or have feeling with. Kadang-kadang, it takes 2-3 drabbles for me to totally move on from them. Kadang-kadang, satu. 

Sebab cerita dia macam ni, aku sejenis manusia yang bila aku suka someone - aku akan pendam dan orang akan tahu hanya bila aku decide to open out about them. Which happened at the time yang aku senanya dah nak let go those feeling for real. Lol, sebab tu aku rasa benda yang aku compile dalam Jurnal Kosong ni macam farewell letter je sebenarnya. Cuma aku sadur dengan gula dan mungkin sedikit madu, sebab this farewell letters adalah benda yang aku deeply harap berlaku (when it comes to certain cerita pasal diri sendiri lol) tapi dalam real life memang jauh sekali nakberlaku.

It's like... I am living a life where if I were to decide something different from what I did in real life - this could have been the possibilities.

Uwu.

Hahaha.

What do you think? Any other perspective about these stories? 

I would love to know!

iShare | 5 Habits You Don’t Realise You’re Doing That’s Limiting Your Growth

I love looking at the time I have spent over the years. Reading the blog post I used to write, going through my diary entries or even a small list of achievements I unlocked over the years. Years of where I started to grow-up little by little, shedding of the shell I used to wear as a protective garment. I owe a bunch of this achievement due to my dissatisfaction and greed of wanting to be better – better than anyone I used to feel inferior about.

#1 Feeding my fears 

I personally think that when it comes to limiting our growth – it always due to our personality of submitting to our fear. As I was reminiscing all my past chances that I let go, most often it was due to my inner demon of not wanting to hurt myself if I were bound to fail. 

Fear is a feeling that works like a magnet from the same pole. By feeding fear with its so-called ‘food’, we are growing them into a monster. Keep feeding them and it will only grow bigger and monstrous. Keep showing the same pole to the other pole; it would only resulting in an unbreakable bond.

Photo by Bram. on Unsplash

An ounce of fear is good, but what should we do with a sack of fear – we had to trash away something that is no use.

#2 Following others ‘too well’

I used to be rebellious and do whatever I want to regardless of the opposition I received. But then I changed into someone who would jump into the river and later decided that I will just follow the flow after I get into university. Somehow, I end up following others too well! (and it becomes a trait that soon affecting my whole life!)

I would listen to people to the extent that sometimes it shapes the way I used to do things, the way I think and the way I simply live my life. At one point, I realize I am deviating from my own self and identity. I guess I want to be like them so much that I end up ditching the part of me that is good too. At this point, I am not growing rather I am putting a stop to my growth spurt.

#3 Having too many doubts

Living and breathing in a high-achievers environment are like a drug'. At one instance, it can fire the flame inside us, but at the same time, it can also cost an unimaginable charge. Over time, I had become a person who is filled with so many doubts that it clouds the way I should ever think about myself.

There are times we had to undergo pains, failures and a bunch of trivial challenges in order to grow. Having doubts over my abilities stops me from going through those things. At the moment, I am saving myself from the emotional distress but at the end of the day, it is like stopping myself from crossing the river because there are a lot of things that go through my mind. I mean, what if I fall and drown, what if the other side is just an illusion – the what-ifs.

I stop doing certain things because I am clouded with a number of doubts, often irrelevant but I still succumb to it anyway. I thought it is going to make me happy, but it just blocking the way for me to grow better.

#4 Avoiding ‘unnecessary’ responsibilities

In my opinion, we are limiting our own self by sticking to the guidelines or the job scopes prepared for us only. There are times where we should exert our willpower to its fullest limit even when it comes to only opening a bottle of ketchup. It is like having a class where the lecturer required you to understand the material given – some would choose to read them, some would watch a movie or an adaptation of that pieces, but there would always be that someone who goes beyond the ‘unnecessary’ by doing all those stated AND reading additional paper related to that material.

It is time for us to understand that, there are people who are willing to go beyond the bare minimum. What would you do in order to finish the task assigned to? Would you stick into doing that preoccupied with only the bare minimum of completing the task?

Or would you rather go beyond?

#5 Sleeping on our talents

Among those I have I listed above, the biggest mistake we could have ever done is sleeping on our own talents. This usually happened due to the combination of inferiority and fear that is growing inside our own self. Another monster. 

I believe we need to sit and reflect on how we are treating our own self. I used to believe that I have no talent at all, I mean – my writings are mediocre, my graphic skill is lower than average. I do not even know what I am good at. However, over the years there a bunch of people who came to me and mentioned how my writings speak to their soul a lot. 

Sorry…what? You mean my crappy writing?

I do recall, someone used to say this to me:

“The moment we underestimate our self, 

we are not doing justice to our self.”

Be good to our own soul and others would take its place accordingly. May 2020 be a good year for all of us, especially in terms of personal growth. Do not forget to love yourself too!

ps: iShare would be the series where I published articles that I sent for a publisher but got rejected. Lol. I decided to share it here after a few editing is done.

Campus Rambles | e-learning, mid-semester break and future expectations

Photo by Fab Lentz on Unsplash

Assalammualaikum, guten tag!

No one probably missed my Campus Rambles Series, but I do. I swear I wanted to update as soon as I start my semester back in February - as usual, I pushed it, procrastinate until this RMO period happened. Talking about unforeseen plan my ladies lol. This is my final year in IIUM if everything goes as it is initially supposed to. Nevermind, I don't mind spending more time here.

Yes.

The first week into the semester I was a bit busy as I was volunteering for APEC2020 at Kajang, Selangor. The second week, we got a week's worth holiday due to COVID-19, if I'm not mistaken. Week three, the studies continue per usual with classes and readings. I have a lot of readings to do this semester and I am freaking out. A lot, not to mention. I think this is the week I am trying to sort out all the required readings because this is literally our first week.

Week four is a bit crazy. I had troubles with my bank account and Kinokuniya - I ended up calling the customer service at 3 in the morning, because welp just because. Things get sorted out after multiple calls, emails with both parties as well as one trip to the bank lol. Oh, and I happened to meet the counselor in my uni because I was having recurring repressing episodes due to improper stress handling. I'm not lying, I was about to run instead of attending the appointment because - I do not want to confront her, more, baring my soul to the counselor. That one hour meant a lot to me though.

Week 4 proceeded with online classes via Zoom and I am excited. I mean, I do. I get to hear my lecturer's voice clearer and louder than in class - but I get easily distracted due to the lack of human interaction. I can go wash a plate or menyapu tiba-tiba during the class. Something that I obviously would not do during face-to-face class cause I would usually sit at the front so that I can only focus on the lecturer.

And then IIUM drops that 10 weeks mid-semester break news :')) At least, my department takes the initiative to ban any online/face to face class as well as assignments submissions during this 10 weeks period. I think that is quite good, cause the main concern here is that not everyone is capable, mentally or physically, working under this pandemic. It's not about being manja or what - but we have different shoes.

I am still on campus though, waiting for RMO to end so that I can go home. Safely gaining 2 kg, well-fed here I can say. Lol. Alhamdulillah for all the sponsors. I have seen many people kicking of many new things during this RMO period. My plan for this mid-semester break is to:

1. Finish all the required readings
   9 novels including a play - with annotation and short notes, because I don't believe with my memories lol
2. Study and read for my history subjects
   I swear History is interesting, but with good articles, it just mindblowing good!
3. Prepares two individual essays properly
   2 months due, I do not want to compose a shit-load paper when I have a lot of time in my hand.
4. Baking lol I want to make honey butter cookies so badly
5. Attend online classes that I signed up myself BayyinahTV, Hikma Fellowship 
6. Catch up with German
   Be it through Duolingo, langblr or you know...uhm WayV's YangYang cause why not?

We will see how it goes after two months, did I managed to accomplish all this

inner voice: (I should, really)

See y'all later :D Stay safe!

074: a reflection

Assalammualaikum.

RMO Day-5 and I finally get proper rest. I was busy with submissions until RMO Day-3. RMO-Day 4 was a hectic one cause I need to get my laptop fixed. Since I'm in my uni (#TeamTakBalikKampung) and the guard would not allow the brother from outside to come to my Mahallah, I literally have to walk almost half a kilometre to send and pick it up in the evening at Gate 2. Good things, I got my laptop and a reason to buy Dominos for buka puasa ehe. 

I was laying in the middle of the room today, doing nothing and it makes me realize something. Ever since I woke up in the morning, I have been dragging my time when I do certain things. I realized I would take time to wash my hair and even apply hair treatment, took my time doing skincare routine, I took the time to chew my food properly while enjoying The Flash (hehehe, I enjoy DC series a lot!) and I took my time to recite the surah slowly, immersing myself at it during my prayers. 

It makes me realize that I have been rushing myself - all this while. It's like I have 20 hours per day instead of 24, unlike others. Even when it comes to Zuhur prayer, I have to rush myself though theoretically, it would only take us 5 minutes to perform the prayer because I have class at 2 which I cannot afford to be late to. It takes time to adjust - instead of praying at the mahallah, I chose to go to the centre during the lunch break because I have no class before 2.

It's happened, you know. 

This RMO-thingy makes me come into a realization that the gift of time is just priceless. It also explains why there are people who can have all the time in the world but could not get their job done and those who can settle everything on the list despite being nonsensically busy. I do not know since when I started to rush things up when I can just take a chill pill. I guess, it is one of the things that makes me repress my silent-killer stress. 

I seek help from uni counsellor recently because I keep repressing my stress. I attend my first counselling session on Monday and it helps me a lot in a way I never thought I can bring myself into speaking about that deepest part. Together, we figure out the root of my stress. Turns out, I cannot stop thinking, rushing and pushing myself into having to do something. I feel restless when I do not have anything to do. I feel overwhelmed when I have no control over something. 

It's like a disease.

A disease that is going to get me killed.

She encouraged me to have my own self-time for self-care. A time where I can properly have a rest without having to think too much about anything. 

I agree.

no, im not watching any cult video lol its TREASURE - GOING CRAZY

Today is better than yesterday as I started to appreciate this sudden 'holidays'. I draw, I paint, I write. I watch my favourite series without having to worry about my school work - at least for a few days. I can read Qur'an some more than usual, pray a little longer. Bath a littleeeeeeeeeee longer. Lol.

Life is good. Alhamdulillah.

How did you guys coping with RMO?

073: embracing changes

Photo by K I L I A N 📷

I normally dislike changes. I found doing something out of my usual plate as discomforting. I like challenges, but there are times I would rather sit down and have my regular menu, my typical song out on that stereo. A peaceful day with no worries, I reckon. 

Oh, when I said 'there are times', I literally mean 95 out of 100 lol.

A few days ago, I came across a Japanese drama (that I binge-watching for a whole day) called 'I Do Not Love You Yet'. I was introduced to the idea of trying out a new or bizarre thing that we normally would not do each day is not a bad idea at all. It is one of the things that struck me the most in that drama, somehow. You would be surprised how that small changes could make your day feels different than usual :) 

The character did try ordering a honey-ginger latte instead of her normal on-the-go coffee. The heroine changed her hairstyle for a day by trying out a wig lol (and she actually looks good in that). I did somehow being influenced by that idea. Lol. I changed the way I styled my shawl (and I do not normally wear a shawl #TeamBawal) when I went out alone two days ago. I even sit at the back of the bus (forced to actually), a sit that I usually avoid because I have motion sickness. Back or middle seat is the seat that I have to avoid in order to evade inconvenience. 

But I turned out okay? 

I never thought how these small changes could actually strike differently to my entire day. I have no expectation, really. Because, it just a small thing that I doubt people would notice. Like me trying out brighter shoes because my usual attire has been quite on the darker side of the universe these past few months. I tried donning loose shawl which I have been dreading to try (no worries still Islamic compliance lol), even though it is such a hassle when I have to take it off and took more than 15 minutes to  wear it back. Not to mention the struggle of keeping it neat while not showing my double chin :'))

I like it, regardless.

Photo by Dina Nasyrova on Unsplash

At the end of the day, do whatever that makes you happy as long as it did not go against what God has set the bound for us. Changes required us to be braver than usual. Or maybe more than we ever expected. We have to be willing to give something in exchange for something, that's the unspoken rule of life. We may or may not like the outcomes, but the most important thing is that we managed to taste the different palate of the world.

The world does not always remain between coffee or orange juice, ya know?

Case #5 | Reason to Stop Writing

Heh.

I was going through my blog list, visiting all 106 blogs which I have been following since the past 8 years. Reading, leaving comments at some and removing those who have been inactive for years. At the end of the process, I was left with 68 blogs. The other 38 have been inactive; some do leave their last words, others choose to dissipate into thin air. I hope they are doing fine regardless. 

I sincerely hope they are doing good.

I write a lot. I write mainly in Bahasa Melayu as my English is basically horrendous for people to read. I write in a blog where you can see me updating them almost every single day. I write short stories (because I am super bad at series-writing) which I occasionally posted at my Wattpad's account. I write in my diary. I write long reflection post whenever I am updating my private social media accounts. You see the point, I am so accustomed to writing as a medium to express my string of thoughts.

It was two years ago. 

If I decided to stop writing one day, I wonder what would be the reason?

Nowadays, you can rarely see me writing. I have abandoned my Wattpad's account ever since 2018. I think the last time I updated was in January 2018, not until recently (yes, I actually post something last week). I do have a separate bujo which I use as a diary other than my daily bujo. But I only write when I have things that are too private to share with any soul. Good news, I only write three times in that last year! You can see me writing my inner thought on Twitter but then within a minute, it has been deleted. I have grown choosy as I share things in my social media. I do not want to incur unpleasant feedbacks, explicitly or implicitly. The last thing I ever want is to cause unnecessary distress. I have experienced that, and I hate it a lot.

I wonder how about the others?

I wonder what makes people turn their back from things they used to find solace into? 

I wonder if by using the phrase 'turn their back' would ultimately make me guilty of accusing their action as a betrayal - unconsciously. Language analysis into practice lol.

Even as I write this, I am clueless with my writing. I have no idea how it would turn out. Would I come to a situation where I am going to abandon them at the end?

No idea.

One thing I can promise is that if I stopped writing - it is not because I have fallen out of love from it.

How to Choose a Suitable Emcee for Your Event in Malaysia

Finding a suitable emcee in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia is a key to the success of your event because they are the front-liners who will co-run your event with you. Choosing the right emcee that can fit your event is a very crucial process. You will have to consider many factors to ensure the emcee is suited enough for your event. 

These are the few factors that you should take note of :

Experience and track record

You will have to make sure that your emcee has had experience in this field before. In handling an audience, the emcee will need to have a specific set of skills and hiring a novice emcee is a risk as they may not be good at handling a large number of audience. An experienced emcee knows how to keep the event running even when there are any problems and can keep the audience engaged at all times. 

The number of emcee needed

Should you be considering two emcees to handle your event? The answer is yes! Two emcees can work hand in hand. For example, having two emcees with different personalities that can complement each other can handle your event better. Choosing two emcees however is a hard task as well because you will have to find the right combination and has the right chemistry on stage. Having your event in mind, be sure how you want your event to be and then decide whether or not you need more than one emcee. 

The gender of your emcee

We all know that a female or male emcee can bring a very different type of environment in your event. The gender of an emcee is a determining factor since they have very different personalities and capabilities. For instance, a male emcee could be better in handling an unsettled crowd and a female emcee can be more accommodating and persuasive in her speech. You might want to consider the gender of your emcee based on the type of audience you are having in your event. 

Language proficiency 

The emcee needs to be a master in the language that they are speaking. If your audience are from a multiracial background, the emcee might need to be proficient in more than one language such as Malay and English. If you have a very specific target audience like  Chinese people, the emcee will have to speak Mandarin fluently as the emcee is speaking their native language.  So language proficiency is important to get the audience to understand what your emcee is delivering. 

Multi-talented emcee 

Here’s the thing, an emcee is not someone who can only speak and deliver a message. They can also come in a package with various other talents. You can always have your emcee do an extra set of performance in your event. For example, incorporating talents like singing or a standup comedy when emceeing could be an advantage as it adds a different element in your event. 

So now that you know what to consider before choosing an emcee, the big question that follows is how will you find one for your event? 

Colorz Event has a variety of emcees in Klang Valley that you can choose from that best emcee profile to suit your corporate event or other functions. So, fret not and get in touch with their team to find the ideal emcee to ensure the success of your event!

Book Review | Educated by Tara Westover

334 pages

Published February 20th 2018 by Random House

Synopsis:

Educated is an account of the struggle for self-invention. It is a tale of fierce family loyalty and of the grief that comes with severing the closest of ties. With the acute insight that distinguishes all great writers, Westover has crafted a universal coming-of-age story that gets to the heart of what an education is and what it offers: the perspective to see one's life through new eyes and the will to change it.

---

I pick up this one in the middle of exam weeks. It's weird how I keep having this tendency to do things other than doing my revision when I am supposed to read my textbook instead. It took me a week to finish this as I only read them before I went to bad, it is the only time I can read without feeling guilty over the fact that uhm I have to study for those exam. 'Educated' has been in my wish list for quite some time and it is worth the time. 

It is non-fiction, a memoir about the author Tara Westover who was brought up in the mountain of Idaho with the premises set up by her parents that everything related to the federal government is a form of illuminati. That also means, no school, no hospital, no anything related to government at all. She was 'homeschooled' similar to her other older siblings, repressed from getting a formal education like other children of her age. 

Sounds familiar isn't?

Yep. That earth-is-flat people.

Reading 'Educated' makes me furious, fumes with anger with her parents' way of manipulating her into having the same idiotic ideologies. Tara struggles but she managed to get into college, where she made a huge impression to one of her lecturers later getting support into Cambridge and Harvard. Her unusual path into getting education is basically the main theme of this book. We can see the environment could shape a person's attitude. We can see the reality faced by the children of people whom strongly against the formal education and blindly following religions, tossing away the worldly matters.

"First find out what you are capable of, then decide who you are."

This book was divided into three part; the first two I would say emotionally engaging - depends on how you are going to digest the whole 'fumes'. There are people who cannot handle them and decided to put it aside for awhile, like me. The last part - I have no word to describe how warm it is. It just means that there are things we need to learn to embrace and accept :)

This book has won a number of literary awards too. If you are looking for something that is non-fictional but highly engaging - I would recommend this one.